Great Ideas From The Election #3


Written by Neil Boorman
27 Tuesday 27th April 2010


God has been rushed off his feet recently. There was the Icelandic volcano and the largest disruption of Europe’s air travel since the war. Now his divine inspiration has shone a light on the Government, with the idea that the Pope should be invited to open abortion clinics, bless gay marriages and launch his own brand of condoms.
So far throughout the election campaign, this weekly column has used the phrase ‘great idea’ with an enormous dollop of irony. But this latest bit of blue skies thinking has got shapely legs, so lets run with it.
The Pope should apologise for the slaughter of 60,000 black cats that are killed every year by Italian Catholics who believe that they bring bad luck. He should make further amends by volunteering his holy image as the brand ambassador for Whiskers or even Sheeba cat food.
Next, he should strike a blow for long suffering clubbers, and head up the Advisory Committee on the Misuse of Drugs, which was recently pushed into banning Meow Meow by the Government. The Pope has a long history of endorsing stimulants. Not only does he encourage the drinking of wine in church, but one of his predecessors endorsed a tonic that was made largely of cocaine.
And lastly, to make up for blaming paedophilia on gays, The Pope should learn to play slap bass and join Frankie Goes To Hollywood on their 2010 reunion tour, his flowing robes and pointy hat finally giving Lady Gaga a run for her money in the ‘most improbable and sexually unappealing outfit on a musician’ stakes.
Then, and only then, will milk and honey wash over our fair land and the joy of the Lord fill our hearts. An election winner for Labour, surely.


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