HOT TO SURVIVE A VAMPIRE BAT PLAGUE

Hot to survive a vampire bat plague
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HOT TO SURVIVE A VAMPIRE BAT PLAGUE



Written by Johny Chhetri
13 Friday 13th August 2010

 

If you haven’t read about it already, vampire bats are plaguing Peru and I thought I’d give ‘em a hand by compiling a few tips on how to survive such. Now I haven’t actually experienced a vampire bat plague myself, but I have seen John Carpenter’s Vampires about three times when I was eight or nine years-old and have since been training myself in the art of horror film survival, a bit like that guy in Zombieland who has that list.
 
Actually a few things on his list are on mine, like ‘cardio’, ‘beware of bathrooms’, ‘travel light’ and ‘equip a Swiss army knife’. Which are all pretty self-explanatory rules right? So here are my tips for surviving a vampire bat plague.
 
  • GET A WEAPON
 
 
I’m not talking about a ‘9mm’; bats are too quick to aim at. I’m talking about a frying pan or a cricket bat or something with enough surface area to whack two of those winged-motherfuckers to hell and back. A sword would be excellent! A trip to John Lewis should suffice.
 
  • BUDDY UP
 
 
Preferably with someone you hate, you never know when you’re gonna need a human shield.
 
  • GET DRUNK
 
 
It’s the only way you’ll muster up the courage to use someone as a human shield. Unless you’re a prick.
 
  • GET ARMOURED UP
 
 
Trust me on this one. I’m talking about getting a helmet, neck brace, chest protector, legs, etc. I’m on about the whole lot. Make it bite proof too if you can yeah? Or you could just wear loads of clothes.
 
  • GARLIC

 

Get every garlic-related item you can think of and smear/douse/immerse yourself in it. Because vampires are said to hate that shit, and so should the bats!
 
And finally, good luck and Godspeed!

 

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