How 2 Halloween Like A Champ


Written by Jack Blocker
31 Friday 31st October 2014

You know who are consistently down for anything? Americans. When pagans said, 'avoideth the West, thou will die of ye olde dysentary', those fuckers ploughed all the way to California because they ATE each other on the way. And what about the douche who invented Snapchat? He might actually be a learning disabled sexual predator, but that didn’t stop his countrymen from chucking cash at his vessel for unsolicited dick-pics.

More extraordinary than any of that, more outlandish, rebellious and brilliantly foolhardy, is their love for Halloween. Look at it this way: They’ll drench their hands in sanitizer if a stranger so much as brushes their sleeve in the queue at Starbucks. They’ll cross the street to avoid homeless people, and call the police if they’re a minority. If you were to offer them an M&M, you’d appear on Family Watchdog the next time you googled yourself.

But come the 31st October, these barriers crumble and the nation lets out a collective ‘fuck that noise’, and the kids march around the neighbourhood collecting candy from strangers, while adults dress like anthropomorphic sex workers and get totally shit-hammered. 

Halloween is TONIGHT, and if it looks like it’s setting up to be yet another underwhelming year, you need to find a Yank. Trust me, Crystal in accounts will be dressed like a sexy cat by 3pm, and Todd from student halls will be slamming shots of Fireball with upset Chinese undergrads at first light. For the Todds and the Crystals of the world, Halloween is bigger than Christmas. A Henley Regatta with fewer cunts and more reserved costumes. Latch on to them, because you’ll need their baffling enthusiasm to keep you going.

Problem is, while they are down for life to rage, they’re probably too objectionable a person to actually know of any decent parties. This is where you come in. Find a house party, and bring your new pal as a fun guy foot soldier. These are your options:

Party At Your House

This is a big no no. The first rule of a house party is to never hold it at your house. Everything gets trashed, and then you have to clear it up in the midst of a brutal comedown. This will be worse after a Halloween bash, because all of the walls and furniture will be covered in facepaint, glitter and those weird gossamer fabrics that make up shit like wigs and fishnets. Seriously, you’ll need several lint-rollers to get that crap off your walls. And even then you’ll still be left with all the bodily fluids and vodka spillage. NEXT.

The Cosplay Parties

If you end up at one of these, I really feel for you. There’ll be no Class-As or bunny ears here, just nerds discussing DVD extras and the v. advanced Alien chestburster get-up they’re rocking (see above). The hosts probably went on a school trip to Pinewood Studios and have spent the ensuing years forging a ‘career’ in makeup design. Sure, these guys can make themselves look exactly like an orc from LOTR, but they’ll never be able to pull off an ensemble that makes them seem like a socially competent, pleasant person to be around. Avoid at all costs.

The Fun Party

If you’ve managed to sidestep the first two functions, good for you! You’re now left with the super-fun shindigs replete with half-assed costumes, lingerie animals, loads of booze, booger-sugar, and crummy decorations your uncontrollable American mate can rampage into because it’s not your crib. As you watch him/her poorly chirpse the opposite sex between incoherent grunts and vomiting, remember, they are the person that kept the night going when all was at a loss. They are the hero who made a bit of American kitsch into a veritable date on your social calendar.

And if you're stuck for a costume, cover yourself in empty crates:

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