How 2 Handle The Heatwave


Written by Jack Blocker
01 Wednesday 01st July 2015

Summer is officially here folks! Today it's going to top 35 degrees, which means work will be bunked, beers will be drunk in parks, and idiots will let their dogs die in hot cars (RIP). As I know all of you guys want to fulfill at least two of these facts (if you're not sure which one to exclude, stop reading this site pls), I've put together a handy guide to making the most of this sweltering start to the summer months!

Bunk off work

Staying at work on a day like this may expose you to extremely shit banter.

Face it. Unless you're a pre-eminent neurosurgeon operating on a child who will go on to cure cancer, then your job is probably meaningless in the grand scheme of things. This goes double if you work in the 'creative sector' and quadruple if your job is in anyway similar to mine. So chain-smoke a couple of Marlboro Reds and call your boss in the raspiest voice you can muster. They'll know you're full of shit, but they'll also know that they should have done the very same themselves.

Because if you do go in today, you're going to be subjected to a buttload of shit banter along the lines of "god I wish I pulled a sicky today lol. I bet the lido is lush." If you'd rather face that than risk a firing, then perhaps you don't deserve to go outside at all.

If you can't bunk off work, don't put up with this shit

If you make it into the office today, someone is going to suggest at least one of these things:

- A meeting outside

- A morning catch up outside

- A breakout outside

- A quarterly review outside

- Lunch outside

Just because it's 35 degrees, doesn't mean you should be pressured into fulfilling your employment duties on some shit patch of grass outside of your office. You probably hate your colleagues anyway, so combining them with insufferable temperatures is only going to make things worse. If you want to eat your lunch at your desk while you stew in your own malaise in front of the Mail Online, then go ahead.

Get proper battered!!!

Along with photosynthesis and skin cancer, the sun is also extremely conducive to daytime drinking! If you've already managed to fulfill task #1, then head to your nearest green space and start pounding some brews. The heady mixture of alcohol and heat will make time slow down and the world seem a far more glorious place. Your boss will disappear out of your thoughts, and you may briefly flirt with the idea of becoming an artist or a professional dog walker. Embrace these flights of fancy. They're the memories that will keep you going when you realise that bunking off the entire summer isn't an option anymore.

IMPORTANT: When you're drinking in the park, for the love of god don't do it alone. Bring a mate or you'll look like a nonce. Alternatively, bring a book if you don't have any friends. At the very least you'll look like a bohemian aesthete.

Don't go too hard!

Passing out when it is still light outside is bad enough. Showing up to work tomorrow hungover will be even worse. You might get a stern dressing down. Or far more disgustingly, be exposed to a volley of shit jokes related you your fake illness by that woman in HR whose name you can't remember.

Do something wholesome

Grab a ball and play some footy. What. You thought it would be all drugs and alcohol?

More drugs and alcohol

For many, this will be the day they pack it all in. They'll crack open a beer, down it, pull on a splif then swallow a mystery wrap that they bought at Reading '09 and just found in their drawer. Because extremely hot days make people piss in the wind. Why should we work when the weather is like this? Why should we work at all? All coppers are bastards. Down with the government. I'm going to be one with the sun and go where the rays go. Bollocks to it. Bollocks to everything.

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