How Could Julian Assange Leave The Ecuadorian Embassy?


Written by Jack Blocker
18 Monday 18th August 2014

"I am leaving the embassy soon, but not for the reasons you'll read in the Murdoch press and on Sky News."

Although Wikileaks exposed extensive details about the inner-workings of the US government, Assange's own life - at least recently - has been conducted behind a veil of secrecy, misinformation and public confusion. Mainly, the confusion part relates to him hearing "no" and then "no" again, but thinking he heard "yes".

As a result, Julian doesn't want to face trial in Sweden for sexual assault for fear he might be found guilty, but also because he could be extradited to America as soon as he steps out of the Ecuadorian embassy's door. With this in mind, how could Julian leave his long time hosts without the authorities corralling him?

Have himself express-delivered by DHL

A sure-fire way to avoid detection would be to put yourself in the incompetent, unprofessional and totally useless hands of DHL. Once you've been packaged up and tossed in the back of a red and yellow van, not only will sexual assault never pollute your legacy, you'll also never be seen again.

Leave in a giant pink Hummer stretch limo

r u from heaven 

Limousines aren't what they once were. Gone are the days of famous elites rolling up partitions in comically stretched vehicles so they can hoover cocaine in peace. When you see one of these vulgar whips rolling through the West End nowadays, you don't crane your neck to check if a Ryman League left-back is smoking a cigar through the sun-roof, you just ignore it.

It contains a screeching mass of wide-eyed hens convulsing through the city on 8 axles of sugary cocktails and dick-shaped accesories. It's a London feature people know to ignore at all costs.

Julian would be safe in one of these non-entity carriers. Although I can't say the same for the ladies sharing it with him.

Round up all your mates and get on one of those group beer bikes

lol good clean fun

Every so often you'll catch a bunch of bros peddling around on one of those group bicycle thingys that has a bar stuck on it. I've never see one in London, but if he can expose confidential data on civilian deaths in Iraq and reveal the names of journalists murdered by US forces, I'm sure Julian can source a bike with a pub on it.

He could ask Gaga, MIA, Sean Penn, Eric Cantona and all his other mates to join him for a ride from the embassy to Hyde Park, where they could drink steins as they rolled past the Serpentine. Having said that, I can't actually think of something that would draw more attention than this scenario. But then if you value your freedom over unrealistic banter with famous people, then perhaps you don't deserve either.

Get to the chopper

The shape of the Ecuadorian embassy's roof means no helicopter could ever land on it. However, a failed attempt may create enough of a diversion for Julian to fucking book it to a taxi.

Sack up and face the music

 Ja Rule did it why can't u?

At least in prison you can go outside for a bit.

Don't Panic attempt to credit photographers and content owners wherever possible, however due to the sheer size and nature of the internet this is sometimes impractical or impossible. If you see any images on our site which you believe belong to yourself or another and we have incorrectly used it please let us know at and we will respond asap.