How To Banish A Hangover


Written by Aisha Nozari
27 Saturday 27th July 2013

As soon as I remembered how to walk this morning the first thing I did was crawl very slowly out of my bed and order a large hot dog stuffed crust pizza from Domino's. Well, no, actually the first thing I did was scrub my own vomit off the bathroom wall because my dad said if I didn’t he wouldn’t lend me money for pizza. But whatever, ‘for it is in giving that we receive’, right? The point is there is literally nothing better than going fucking ham on some atherosclerosis the day after getting so pissed on K cider that acting like a proper human being becomes a very boring, very distant memory. I’ve pretty much got to the point now where I get drunk just so I have an excuse eat to eat three pizzas and a steak the next day. Hangover’s don’t have to be all shame and pain. You just have to remember one thing: carbs rule. Trust me, there is literally nothing that will make you feel better than four kebabs and a ten-piece bucket. And if you’re a veggie, I don’t know, just do a few lines of grease or something.

When nearing my last slice of pizza this afternoon I felt severe despondency creeping in and realised some sort of artificial carb binge was the only way I would survive the day. So I hit the internet pretty hard and found the following gloriously greasy monstrosities for you to drool over. Hopefully you might be so inspired by some of these beauties that you create your own carb art that’s gunna butt-fuck your hangover into oblivion.

I should also probably take this chance to say god bless America.

PIZZA FRIES! Yes, that's french fries covered in pizza toppings. Who'd have thought.

Cheeseburger Spaghetti O's. This is so America. The food version of that 'yeah I still would' girl.

Cookie grilled cheese. Because why the fuck not?

The bacon mug. For a more classy hangover.

You might have seen this guy around town before, it's the double coronary burger. Consisting of five slices of bacon, four slices of cheese, two fried eggs, mayo, lettuce, tomato and onion between two grilled cheese sandwiches, it's awe inspiring stuff.

Taco Bell Beefy Nacho Burrito. It's nacho chips covered in nacho cheese sauce, beef and sour cream. So special.

Postmodern Mc Donalds, this is the 'Mc Gangbang' - you basically just stick a mc chicken sandwich in a cheeseburger. It's kind of fun because you can try it out at your local branch.

This is a bacon chilli top cheeseburger and it looks fucking gross in the fucking best way.

Pizza Hut's cheeseburger crust. Seriously WHY is American so much better than us?

Squeezable Bacon. Because why wouldn't you? I really admire this one's potential. Just think of the possibilities. Portable bacon, carry it in your handbag and never be alone again.

Hopefully you're all brimming with inspiration by now, but if not, here's a video of that time David Hasselhoff got wasted and ate a burger off his bathroom floor like a pro.

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