How To Be Fun At House Parties


Written by Robert Foster
02 Thursday 02nd May 2013

In the next few days we're going to have a shiny new site up here, with a fancy new party listings section and a whole load of other jazz that's just going to blow your little minds. To celebrate, we're going to throw a party of our own in the early summer. No date, venue or lineup has been organized, so this isn't so much a 'save the date' announcement, more a 'brace yourselves for saving the date' announcement. By way of an early celebration, here's a handy heads up on how to behave during the impending summer of parties that our new site will surely herald:

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Don't pre-game

Having two beers on the train over is fine: just enough to get you a little buzzed and turn you into a nice person to know after a week of having your boss chew you out for being mediocre at your horrible job, but getting wastoid prior to a social engagement is not cool. Consider this: no one who arrived and whipped their dick out within the first hour of a party ever left with a whole crowd of new friends and admirers, let alone a new sexual companion.

As, you're going to spend the next 60 years longing for a do-over of them, your twenties should be spent making memories you can cherish, never tell your grand childen, and only tell your own children when they find an old hard drive full of pictures of you doing key bumps, so if you're looking for a Stand By Me/Wonder Years type 'watching the sun come up with all your best buddies' moment, you'd do well to keep cool until as late in the evening as possible.

My rules are: decent sized dinner, one beer an hour, no drugs until 11pm and no weird drugs (things that might make coherence difficult) until four am. Also, no spirits ever, because they're gross. Stick with me and you'll go far, folks. Also, never forget.

Have sex somewhere else
Make out as aggressively as you want anywhere in the house – the stairs, the kitchen table, the bathroom floor so people have to step over you to pee – no one’s going to bat an eyelid. Even heavy-ish petting, a boob squeeze, a crotch grab and even a reach-around deep tissue butt grope (when you really get in there, you know) is all stuff people don’t mind seeing when they’re at a party. You might have to endure some cat calling, but that’s your own deal because you’re making out in public.

However, anything that involves under the clothes contact or actual nude butts you’ve got to do somewhere private – and I’m not talking barricading yourselves in a large room at the party, and certainly not the bathroom. That bath’s going to be needed for sitting in on Es later. The only places you can really go is an airing cupboard or a walk in wardrobe, and who has those things in a shared house? Exactly. Try to remember this handy rhyme and everything will be fine: "go home to bone". Never forget, to everyone but you, your love is ugly and wrong.

Don’t be a stranger
Not as in ‘come back often enough for us not to forget about you’, but as in, don’t be a stranger. If you don’t know anyone at the house party, you’re probably not welcome. Don’t strut around the place saying hi to people, asking for drugs and complaining you don’t like the music. People will get edgy because they think you’re a lunatic off the street (you are).

If you’re a friend of a friend, or even a friend of a friend of a friend, then that’s still fine. As long as your friendship lineage can be traced back to someone who lives in the house, you’re cooking with gas. But if you find yourself at a party because you saw some lights on and the door was open, then stop to consider what just happened. I would hate to be you.


No crying
If you’ve had a group of friends for more than two or so years there’s a chance you’ve had sex with a few of them, gone out with one or two of them, had a massive fight with some of them and been rejected by a few too. If you’re at a house party with them and you get slighted or someone turns up with a new girl or whatever, it’s probably going to be a little upsetting.

But you know what? You’ve got to take it outside, because I really don’t need you to kill my buzz with your serious feelings (pro tip: they aren’t really that serious, you’re 22) and all your sympathetic friends crowding round you looking all glum and glaring at me for coming into the room you've blockade yourself into. Go home and work through it on your own time. I only get two nights off a week and I want to spend them being a fucking idiot with my friends, not tippy- toeing around your boring problems.

Be a team player
If you’re at a house party it’s not like you’re in a club, everyone’s common bond should at least be knowing the hosts, and usually there’s a whole lot more, like going to the same college or being in the same scene. So who gives a shit who has a few tokes of your shitty bush weed or who gets a bump of your unspeakably bad cocaine? It’s a party! People hate cliques and cliques that hide in an upstairs room all night are even less likeable. You’re never going to get laid if you only smoke weed with your buddies (in fact, you’re never going to get laid if you smoke weed ever, but that's a different discussion). Granted, it's a different matter with cocaine- it makes people horny, so how comes you and your boring friends are so intent on not letting anyone else have any? Are you going to fuck each other? It’s not just about the sex, it’s about creating an atmosphere of jokey good times that makes for a good house party. If we all pull together we can make it through!

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