HOW TO GET ONTO THE INSTAGRAM RICH LIST

How to get onto the Instagram Rich List
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HOW TO GET ONTO THE INSTAGRAM RICH LIST



Written by Gabriel Mathews
30 Friday 30th June 2017

Hopper HQ, have just announced an Instagram Rich-List, and it is a mental and depressing as you might expect. While you slave away at a desk working a 9 to 5 which most likely ends up being an 8 - 7 some ‘influencers’ are getting paid an incomprehensible stress inducing £425,000 for just one post. Perhaps it is time to rethink how you are currently using Instagram because posting pictures of your soggy sushi, over cooked eggs and your mutilated ‘avo’. Especially the ‘avo’ isn’t making you any money. It might even be time to stop sending your mates memes, that FuckJerry has stolen from another account, for them to acknowledge with a ‘haha’.

It’s clear Instagram is a real money maker and we have some advice on how you can get yourself onto that rich list, charging half a million for you to post a photo of yourself sat on a yoga mat, in your Lululemon yoga pants, on a beach, in front of a 5 star hotel, holding a Red Bull, wearing Reeboks, face caked in MAC makeup and your Powerhouse Fitness Protein shake sat seductively adjacent to the rest of your sponsored products.

First off, quit your job. Instagram is your job now...24/7. So put down that notepad, switch off that laptop pick up your phone and get snapping, editing and captioning those posts. You are going to live and breathe the app.

The Photography

Quitting your job doesn’t mean you can lie in and enjoy a morning in front of the nation's favourite host, Holly Willoughby, you have to be up ready to snap our planets sun appearing over the woods, in between skyscrapers or reflecting off the sea that makes users everywhere horny for that heart shaped like button.

The sun is up and it’s breakfast. That means it’s time to move on to capturing those carefully crafted meals, none of that avocado bollocks. Avocado has been done now so you have to find the next novel healthy food option that is going to make everyone weirdly obsessive about how they eat as well as ensuring everyone on the fucking planet knows they are eating it. My bet is flax seed. They’re such an aesthetically pleasing item of sustenance it is only a matter of time before Goop goddess and Queen Vegan Gwyneth Paltrow will be eating flax seed and nothing else.

Assume the same formula for every meal you eat, it has to be flax seeds and they have to be carefully placed atop of something green and if it’s a video that video better be a slow mo of those seeds being carefully sprinkled across those leaves. Don’t bother with a video of your food if it’s not slow mo and it’s not a sprinkling.

Your Social Life

It’s night time, you’ve captured the sunset, now it’s a chance for you to show the world your blossoming social life with individuals of either equal social stature or more popular than yourself. If they aren’t either of those things the only way that are allowed to be in your photos is if they are as beautiful or more beautiful than yourself. Once you have established your group of ‘friends’ you now need to ensure you are at the next place your nan doesn’t know about, your mum might have mentioned and hasn’t made it into Time Out yet (but will do shortly).

Now that’s all sorted so it’s time to stage the photo that shows your followers and everyone else you are having a great time. Doesn’t matter if you are or not, doesn’t matter if your cat has died, a close family relative has fallen ill, it’s 10 seconds of looking happy. Suck it up, wipe away those tears, smile, throw your hands in the air and scream. Once the photo is taken then you can cry all the way home.

The Commentary

Your job doesn’t stop at getting the right image though, oh no no, it wouldn’t be that simple. Would it? Well you’ve got the awe inspiring photo that not only shows you can take a great one with a 12 megapixel camera that has f/1.8 aperture sensor and HDR mode (whatever that is) but you also have a wild life that everyone will want to know about.

Now you need the well constructed commentary with those worldwide hashtags to drag those randomers, yet to follow, enticing them to your account like a moth to a flame, a fish to rod, a bear to honey, a fly to a shit, and a May to a field of wheat. It’s important you don’t seem desperate to follows and pepper your account with hashtags. There is a fine balance to be struck between none and too many. Once you strike that balance the Instagram world is your metaphorical oyster. If you can get a snap of some oysters that would be good too.

 

Don’t be ugly

Your journey to the top if you are an attractive, chiseled, sharp jawboned hunk or honey will be much easier. It’s human nature, we all love to stare longingly and stalkery at photos of beautiful people so in the omniscient words of Paris Hilton: “if you’ve got it flaunt it”. Pout, pose and present your semi-naked body to the world of Instagram and you will soon be charging £500,000 for a singular image.

But if you are ugly, your journey will be difficult but not an impossible one. Unfortunately for you ugos out there, no one likes looking at a petridish of a human being. If you’ve been hit with a shovel and have a saggy flabby body synonymous with those before pictures for protein shakes, don’t worry there is hope for you yet.

You just have turn that ‘before’ body into an ‘after’. While you starve yourself and spend the last few pennies you have on an expensive gym membership you need to document your transition. This includes showing the world your workout. It’s imperative there are multiple videos of your contorted pull ups the Chinese used as a form of torture. Once your abs start to appear and the fat falls off your face, your account becomes a place of inspiration for anyone shaped like a potato to begin their own pursuit for a comically shaped body like your own.

 

DMs

The final and vital aspect you must grasp if you are make your way into that top ten list, is the DMs. You need to be able to slide into those DMs like a bobsleigh down a luge, controlled and smooth. Much like bobsleigh there is an elegance to it that requires practice and precision. Think highly trained ballet dancer equipped with a sniper rifle covered in lube, that is the level at which you need to be at in order to slide into DMs.

You can’t be appearing in people’s DMs willy-nilly invading their personal space. There is a process. That process involves liking a few photos first, maybe even going back a couple weeks and liking those once you have established yourself in his or her likes. Then you move to the comments. Once you have established yourself in his or her comments then you can soap up and slide down that metaphorical blue tarpaulin and into that hallowed ground that is their DMs.

Follow these steps and you will find yourself in amongst the highest paid on Instagram. If you can’t be arsed to follow these steps well you could just become a celebrity, we don’t have steps for that yet but you could always make a sex tape with Ray J. That seemed to work.

 

Don't Panic attempt to credit photographers and content owners wherever possible, however due to the sheer size and nature of the internet this is sometimes impractical or impossible. If you see any images on our site which you believe belong to yourself or another and we have incorrectly used it please let us know at panic@dontpaniconline.com and we will respond asap.



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