Stop those tears and listen up, you miserable fool. This Valentine’s Day will be the one where another heart pulls you in from the storm. When the 14th rolls around tomorrow, you’re going to feel like you’re tipping a hot coffee on cold ice cream as your toes touch down on wet grass. You’ll find love and everything will be glorious - and you can finally forget the years your feelings were trampled on by spikey high heels.
This isn’t an emotional pyramid scheme, but a tried and true path to happiness. So come with me, as our trembling fingers interlace in love’s hand.
Although your Facebook feed and Saturday night date with Take Me Out suggest otherwise, there are lots of people who are as hopelessly alone as you. And like you, they’re going to be under just as much pressure to engage in a sloppy hook-up in a pub garden come Valentine’s. This goes triple this year, because it falls on a Saturday. Sadly, this is England, and we’re about as skilled at holding a stranger’s attention as a charity mugger.
That means you’re going to have put away a few pints before you engage anyone in conversation. If you get really battered, chances are you’ll get kicked out of the pub before vomiting in the Uber home. When you wake up in the morning with no recollection of the night before, you won’t have to worry about the big V-Day until next year. Job done!
DINING OUT OR DINING IN?
Salt-laden, carb heavy foods like pizza and kebabs will give of a brief rush of dopamine before your blood sugar crashes and you text your ex, wrapped in an unwashed duvet, staring into the abyss of a lonely, pathetic future.
So cling to the feeling that surged through you when you first bit into that XXL Texas BBQ. Those unexplained moments of joy are what love is all about.
BRUSH UP ON YOUR EX’S ONLINE PRESENCE
Although your ex may have blocked you on Facebook, deleted their Instagram and got the local constabulary to bar your access to Twitter (even in public libraries), there are still ways you can brush up on their movements. LinkedIn is a good option - but remember - they will be able to see that you’ve viewed their profile. If you don’t want to be caught, be sure to log out before you click on their page.
But who knows? Maybe a quick ping on a professional network like LinkedIn will convince them you’ve got your life together, even if your longest stretch of employment is ‘full time student.’ If there was ever a day to take a shot at love, surely it’s Valentine’s?
WHAT TO GIVE AS A PRESENT
Gifts don’t have to be expensive. It’s always better to give a present that’s a reflection of your love for one another. This could be something as simple as a framed photo of the two of you.
When security escorts you out of your flame’s place of work after they decline your gift, it will be perfect to rack up a few lines on during the train ride home.
She caught your eye at the train station when it looked like it might snow, remember? She was reading The Secret History, a book you’d loved at University. Blowing into cupped hands to warm them, you somehow plucked up the courage to go and talk to her about it. Hell, it was the best thing you’ve ever done.
How can you forget that weekend away in Whitstable, when the shining sun touched the curve of her cheek as she gazed at you in bed. It was like God himself was speaking to you. This was it. The moment when all the tangled threads were unfolded and wrapped into neat bows. When life meant something.
Netflix marathons will stave off these crippling memories, and if you keep the narcotics going while rinsing through House of Cards, you can probably stave off sleep until Monday too. It’s what people with PTSD do to avoid the night terrors.