HOW TO SURVIVE CHRISTMAS DAY AT "HOME HOME"

How to Survive Christmas Day at "home home"
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HOW TO SURVIVE CHRISTMAS DAY AT "HOME HOME"



Written by Dan Haze
18 Monday 18th December 2017

The holiday season sees swathes of people bursting through the lining of their cosmopolitan bubble to return to their provincial family homes to circumvent the socio-political minefield of a Christmas period spent at “home home”, where the announcement of your stop on the train is in effect, a loud trigger warning. 60% of Londoners think Christmas is the most stressful time of the year, with 44% of them attributing the stress to family misunderstandings with the remaining 56% blaming surveys.

It's the most wonderful, un-pc time of the year for us urbane city mice to sit at a table where immigrants are roasted more than the turkey, people discuss the pros and cons of Brussels, sprout or otherwise, and we break bread with the generations who broke the housing market. So we wanted to ease the tension, by providing a shareable, seasonal-survival guide to get you through any awkward discourse that you may encounter.

 

 

STARTER

Prepare answers for the usual questions from family and friends, regarding amongst other things relationship status, economic status, employment status etc.

Control is key here, remember that these aren’t designed to be jibes it's just that your gran isn’t aware of the impact that your Tinder/coke/ASOS habits have on all three of the above. Stay calm and take this as a chance to talk about that person you slept with once five months ago, that your mates are sick of hearing about. You’ve deified them in your head so much that at least your gran will be happy for you!

 

MAIN

Although it may seem difficult considering the copious amounts of free alcohol, try to remain steady and centre grounded; leave your Corbynomics in SE5 comrade, the only red on your shirt should be wine stains. Jezza is a no go beyond the city lines.

 

Theresa May is fair game because hatred for her transcends age or background. Try and keep the shit talk to her policies and her husband rather than her looks or gender hashtag staywoke.

Trump for once may prove to be a unifying figure this holiday season. Despite his best efforts, his brand of divisionary vitriol may actually work against its initial intent. A common enemy is always great to bring a family together.


 

DESSERT

It is recommended that you form an opinion on Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Preferably one that not only gives none of your true beliefs about the royal family away but also quells any ensuing racially charged opinions about the princess to be.

Accept that some older generations conflate “bantah” with sexual harassment for the afternoon. Find some solace in the fact that Santa will probably be the only white guy in a position of power from your childhood that will never be a disappointment.


 

FIRESIDE DRINKS

By this point, you’re several bottles in and you may be wavering. The Queen’s speech has acted as a kind of kindling for the nationalist fire that's slowly heating up in grandad's stomach. Be wary, you’ve been burned by this fire before when he voted Leave.

So before getting into the conversational quandary about how deleterious pride in the British empire is, take a leaf out of grandad's book and Leave. Go back to your room, back to your phone charger and your laptop. Check your inevitably delayed train back to Londinium, dream of Dishoom and pray that New Years Eve surge pricing won't be too bad.

 

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