I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT'S RENEE ZELLWEGER'S FACE!

I Refuse To Believe That's Renee Zellweger's Face!
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I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT'S RENEE ZELLWEGER'S FACE!



Written by Jack Blocker
22 Wednesday 22nd October 2014

At a recent event, the actor Renee Zellweger made her first notable public appearance in about five years. Ever the vigilant cultural eye, the general public noticed that her face looked totally different. As the general public went to see Bridget Jones' Diary, Jerry Maguire and the extremely underrated Me, Myself & Irene ("too much cheese in your taco" loooool), they feel that they are solely responsible for Zellweger's success, meaning if she wants to make any changes to her personal appearance, she needs to run it by them first.

Unfortunately, as Renee seemed to be under the impression that her face belonged to her and her alone, and that whatever she does to it should be her business and nobody else's, she made the foolish mistake of NOT running it by the general public. Because of this slight, they were left in angered shock when they saw Renee and - put simply - they REFUSED to believe it was even her face!

This got me thinking, are there any other faces out there that we, the general public, would out right REFUSE to believe belong to the star of Nurse Betty? Wanting to find out, I went to investigate.

THIS FACE

Bingo. There's no way we're believing that's the face of the girl who was had at "hello". If that face belongs to anyone, it's Billy Warlock, the actor who played Eddie Kramer in the first two seasons of Baywatch - the happy-go-lucky kid who escaped the mean streets of Philadelphia to live his dream as a Los Angeles County Lifeguard on California's golden shores.

HOW ABOUT THIS FACE HERE

Shut the front door and throw away the key, because this is also a face no respecting member of society would attribute to Zellweger. Even though this one is ostensibly female, there's not a chance in hell the public are going to believe it's owned by Gina from Empire Records. In fact, I'm pinning this beautiful bone structure to Erika Eleniak, the 90s bombshell who played the inexperienced but promising lifeguard Shauni McClain in the first three seasons of Baywatch. I hear you saying, "but wait, I'm pretty sure I've seen this face somewhere else, are you sure it's not Renee's?" Well, you'd be half right. Erika was also in the Steven Segal classic, Under Siege.

WHAT ABOUT THIS DAMN FACE

I guess high scores are important to some people (me), because this is yet another face that 99.9% of the population would refuse to believe belonged to the versatile actress who depicted the alluring vixen Roxie Hart. You wouldn't even need to put a gun to my head for this one because I'd come straight out and say it. This is not Renee's face. This is the face of Parker Stevenson, who played Craig Pomery in the first three seasons of Baywatch. An earnest and professional lifeguard, Craig didn't let a messy divorce and ensuing custody battle ever prevent him from doing his job.

SURELY THIS FUCKING FACE RIGHT HERE

You might want to sit down for this one, because this is face number four - count it FOUR - that the shitmunching fuckwits who hold celebrities to inhuman standards of beauty would never, EVER, believe to be that of Renee Zellweger. This is going against my better judgement - call me a gambler - but I'd bet my mortgage on this face belonging to Michael Newman, the only cast member to have featured in every season of Baywatch since it debuted in 1989. First hired as an advisor to the director due to his real-life career as a lifeguard, the powers that be soon noticed Newman (or "Newmie" as he was affectionately known) had an authentic screen presence like no other. They were soon giving him speaking roles.

Although it may be hard to believe, Newman served as both a lifeguard and a firefighter in his off-screen career. If I had to swap faces with anyone, it would definitely be this one.

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