Improvements That Could Be Made To Football


28 Thursday 28th November 2013

I don’t hate football though, in fact I love the idea of it: the teamwork, the skill, the camaraderie between fans etc. The problem is, when I see it on TV I may as well be watching static – it leaves me cold and I can’t engage with it in any way. I suppose it’s something you’ve got to get into young, and now it’s too late.

This website features a lot of things about art, electronic music and people who spend a lot of time on Flickr, so I doubt I’m the only one who has this problem. So, I’ve put some thought into it and written a document that I’m going to present to FIFA president Sepp Blatter, which includes a list of improvements to the game that would allow those of us who don’t get it to get it.

Here it is:

Dear Mr Blatter,

How are you? I am fine. I don’t like football but I’d really like to. Please read my list of things that would help me (and others) like it more.

My improvements include:

Special moves

Mortal Kombat: great game. Streetfighter 2: great game. Tekken: great game. Golden Axe: great game (kidding). What have they all got in common? Each character in the game had a unique physical attribute or magic power that allowed them to have an advantage that no one else had, which made for exciting gameplay. Can this not be applied to football in order to spice up current order of things? At the moment everyone pretty much does the same thing: kick the ball and run around a bit, but maybe Wayne Rooney can get fitted with an extendable foot like Inspector Gadget, Joe Cole can have some kind of ‘FINISH HIM!” type spine ripping move or David James can wear some kind of invisibility suit? (I had to look two of those names up so I could give that example). This would get all the sickly nerds who lost interest in football to play video games back into the sport. I don’t know if you need that demographic, but it’s all about bums on seats, right guys?

Paintball guns

You think football as it is has enough drama? Think again! Imagine how thrilling it would be to watch some guy making a play for the goal, skipping past all the defense, beating the keeper and it being a sure thing, then suddenly he gets a paintball in the throat! It’d knock him over, he’d be disorientated and in shock, maybe it will have broken the skin! He came so close and yet he was so far! He dodged the opposing team’s tackles all the way down the pitch and finally he was sniped by a midfielder with a paintball gun in a fluke shot from 20 metres away! That right there is drama, simulated warfare, deft skills (both football and aiming) and human tragedy. Imagine the tears! Imagine the slo-mo replay where his face contorts in pain! Imagine the blood on the nylon shirt! Let’s make this happen guys!


You know how certain African teams, the North Koreans and the Iraqi team are always playing for their lives in a literal sense? Didn’t the Iraqis have the soles of their feet lashed when they lost a while back? It’s terrible right? Right. But that kind of threat of impending violence does give the game that extra edge, I think you’ll agree. You know what’d further improve on that edge? If we could watch the torture on our 42 inch HDTVs! This FIFA sanctioned torture would improve the game in three ways: firstly, players would have a new incentive to play harder, making for more compelling football action. Secondly, they would pay for their failures as athletes publicly, giving vengeful fans much needed closure, and thirdly, it would make for great TV. This would be entertainment – Roman style! Let’s do this!

When can I expect to see these changes implemented Mr Blatter?

Yours etc.

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