Is This The Most Tumblr Tumblr Of All Time??


Written by Jack Blocker
01 Tuesday 01st July 2014

Recently, during a particularly deep excursion into tumblr's recesses, I came upon this profile.

As you can see, Jenn is many things, but most importantly, she thinks she's a tortoise. This is something called 'otherkin,' where you identify as a fake animal due to a total inability to identify with humans and probably actual animals.

Justice seems pretty normal in comparison. Although she is currently abstinent - bad news for all the single genderfluids out there!

Jenn currently suffers from 'natural multiplicity,' which sounds a bit like a fluffier version of bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. But unlike bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, it's not recognised by qualified professionals or actually real.

In short, it's basically a way to replace all the IRL friends you lost to pansexual-fat-activism and demiplatonicism with imaginary tumblr users from places you'll never be able to afford to visit. 

"Hey Jack, that sounds a little harsh bro! Why don't you take ur cisoppression elsewhere?!" I hear you say. Maybe I should, but I just wanna make clear I'm not the only skeptical one :-\

Anon srsly fucked up here and fingerbanged all sorts of trigger warnings for the naturally multiplicit (sp?) Luckily, imaginary Joshii (extremist in every way soft-masc drag queen) managed to chop them down with the quickness.

But it's not all degenerate fuckboy Male-Assigned-Assholes-At-Birth (MAAAB) pop-shotting verbal word harm at the emotionally fragile tortoise and Justice (who is real apparently), some folks have genuine Qs about their lives and stuff, like this species-skecptic fan.

I've had relationships end due to location, trust issues, different interests and by simply growing apart. But I may never know real suffering until my penguin heart is pecked to a million pieces by the beak of my crowkin gf :'''(

There are also extensive discussions on the etymology of the word 'woman,' and the cisgender patriarchy of it containing the word 'man.' Similarly, when some tumblr users hear words like 'mansion,' 'mantelpiece,' 'semantics,' 'adamant' and 'Portuguse man o' war' (brutal ocean trigger), it feels like a very large fingergun is firing shame bullets at them. Shame bullets which explode on impact.

I think this country needs another war, and I'd be happy to send every male, female, man, woman, womyn, wom*n, FAAB, MAAB, pansexual and otherkin straight to the front.

The worst thing is that these people actually appear to exist - and they're spoiled brats. Their total lack of skills and social graces are only bested by their sense of entitlement. No wonder her mum drinks.

If you had to work your knuckles to the bone to fund this person's life you'd be shit-faced every time you had to see her too.


Don't Panic attempt to credit photographers and content owners wherever possible, however due to the sheer size and nature of the internet this is sometimes impractical or impossible. If you see any images on our site which you believe belong to yourself or another and we have incorrectly used it please let us know at and we will respond asap.