Just How Gay Is the Coalition?


20 Monday 20th September 2010
No-one should care about a politician’s sexuality. People dislike Peter Mandelson for lots of reasons but not normally because he’s gay. People only get interested in political bedrooms when a whiff of deceit, or even hypocrisy leaks out. This is a problem which affects the Tory party more severely because its association with ‘family values’ seems to demand the acquisition of a loyal, smiling wife from the home counties.     
When failed Tory leadership candidate David Davis labelled the new government the ‘Brokeback Coalition’ he was really aiming at Dave and Nick’s slightly homoerotic political partnership… At least that’s what we thought, until the closet door was blown off its hinges by one outing after the next.
William Hague
Our Gaydar starting twitching when Hague wore a baseball cap to the Notting Hill Carnival back when he was leader. Trying to look ‘yoof’, he came off like the queerest of Dads! He’s still rocking that look on his days off. During those days Bill was also engaging in private ‘Judo’ sessions with Jonathan Coe, nothing wrong with that but does he like gladiator movies too?  
The recent scandal is case closed in our book. Who goes on a work trip and volunteers for the twin? Also if 25-year-old colleague Christopher Myres had been a comely female assistant tongues would have wagged even more furiously. Speaking of which, one MP claimed that the hotel, “Looks like somewhere you take your girlfriend, not your junior staff”. In response to this ordeal Myres has quit his job and Bill started ungallantly blabbing about his poor wife’s miscarriages, which doesn’t actually prove anything as we shall see...
Crispin Blunt
The Conservative Minister for Jails outed himself, immediately facing charges of hypocrisy due to once claiming in a debate that ‘homosexuality is not equivalent to heterosexuality’. During his political career he also voted against gay couples adopting and was absent at the time of the vote on the repeal of Section 28, a law introduced by the Conservatives to prevent the ‘promotion’ of homosexuality in schools. He announced he was leaving his wife of 20 years, saying that he had “decided to come to terms with his sexuality” and that he hoped his wife and two children would understand. Talking about promoting homosexuality in schools, what is it about Eton? Senior boys get young ones to be their servile ‘fags’ thereby creating a master/servant dynamic that seems to leave one with some deep seated desire for same sex relationships? Note to self: lay off the cod psychology.  
David Laws
Laws is the shortest serving cabinet member. He bats for the other side... by which we mean he’s a Liberal Democrat, but from the Tory-lite, Orange Book wing of the party. He served as Chief Secretary of the Treasury for 16 days before resigning for claiming around £40,000 of taxpayer’s cash for paying his secret partner’s rent. His said his motivation for claiming on the room owned by his boyfriend was in order to keep their relationship private. Whatever girlfriend! You’re a millionaire so pay for it yourself next time. In fact he’ll probably get another crack of the whip as he is being fast tracked back into government as he’s seen as a safe pair of hands.
Simon Hughes
It would seem like Tories have to get married, whereas the Deputy Leader of the Lib Dems remained single and ended up facing persistent rumours about his sexuality which he repeatedly denied. But when The Sun told him that they had proof he used gay chat rooms, he admitted to phoning Man Talk. He also said he was, “Perfectly willing to admit having relationships with both men and women”. He won his seat in 1983 having run a virulent anti gay campaign in the South London Borough of Bermondsey, slurring his Labour opponent Peter Tatchell, the gay rights campaigner.
Mark Oaten
The Lib Dem, who must have decided that a beard (rather than a toupee) was the best policy, was married with kids when the gay excrement hit the fan. We shouldn’t really include this one as he resigned before the election but it’s a peach. Oaten’s decision to stand in the Lib Dem leadership election sufficiently raised his profile for the News of The World to decide it was now worth revealing that Oaten had payed £80 a time for sex with rent boys he contacted online. Some of the sessions sounded pretty lively, involving ménage et trios and ‘scat’ something we couldn’t possibly describe here (although there is a clue lurking a few lines above). Outen used the now infamous bald excuse, blaming his actions on his diminishing follicles, which seems like an opportune point to return to William Hague.
Politician’s shouldn’t treat the public like fools and also shouldn’t assume people are so bigoted that they’ won’t vote for someone due to their sexuality. The topic only gets interesting (and sordid) when hypocrisy and dishonesty intercede. The Coalition would do well to remember how their ‘Back to Basics’ image and the reality of sleaze brought down the last Tory government.   

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