I was listening to Radio 4 when I heard Jenni Murray report the 'news' during Woman's Hour. I immediately tweeted her with a cutting dismissal of the pregnancy's significance. "BREAKING: Woman is pregnant".
An expertly delivered bon mot I'm sure you'll agree. She didn't reply, but I'm assuming she was too ruffled by my refusal to acknowledge the extraordinary status that consensus media bestows upon the Royals to even type a worthy response. Spurred by my own success, I copy and pasted the comment into the comments section of an article announcing the birth on the Guardian's website.
I don't bother to buy the paper and I tend to quickly scan articles on the website, but I know that the hack-journalist hastily re-packaging wire copy to alert the world of this absolute non-news will crumble when he/she reads my excellent jibe. A future republican methinks? Thank me when the revolution takes over Buckingham Palace and me and the rest of the Antifa are dining on swans.
But I didn't stop there. I logged on to Facebook and continued to share my disgust at the propagation of Royal mooching by leaving witty statuses, links to Laurie Penny's New Statesmen profile and jokes about benefit claimants on The Guardian's fb page. I know that many of my friends on Facebook are probably scrolling past posts announcing the pregnancy and doing nothing. A person who ignores evil is just as bad as a person who commits it, so I'd like to deliver a swift 'Fuck You' to all of my 'friends' who didn't leave a comment similar to one of these:
STICK THAT IN YOUR PIPE GUARDIAN SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER
Of course, my actions also extended to real life. I ran into the street and spoke to the first pregnant woman I saw. I asked her why SHE wasn't in the news for being up the duff. She said because she wasn't famous.
I suggested she go home and have a long hard think about her complicit support of an archaic establishment that keeps this country in the dark ages. I said if she didn't change her ways, she should give her baby up for adoption, so it doesn't become a fawning cog in the Royal family's awful, very horrid machine.
I am the superior being. I pity you if Kate Middleton's pregnancy interests you in the slightest. Enjoy your increased taxes you ignorant fool.