TORY, LABOUR & LIB DEM KEY MANIFESTO PLEDGES - LEAKED!

Tory, Labour & Lib Dem Key Manifesto Pledges - Leaked!
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TORY, LABOUR & LIB DEM KEY MANIFESTO PLEDGES - LEAKED!



Written by Dont Panic
27 Thursday 27th April 2017

We've been doing a lot more political coverage recently, what with it being an election and things generally falling apart, fortunately this hasn't gone unnoticed by the people in power. A source came to us and passed over secret documents, may we present the key general election pledges from the three major parties...

Crime

Tories

*Cut spending on data gathering - less statistics, less crime!

*An open-minded, global Britain should follow the lead of our allies in China, India and the United States by reintroducing the death penalty

*New prisons to be built to specifications as laid out in Charles Dickens’ work

Labour

*Cut costs by putting low level offenders on new ‘naughty step’ programme

*Form new police unit to hunt down Tony Blair

*Reform hate crime legislation to exclude anti-semitism

Lib Dems

*Re-criminalise homosexuality

*Crack down on abortion   

*Flip flop on the above policies when pressed by the media

Image result for europe flag

Europe

Tories

*LEAVE, GET OUT AT ANY COST, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES

Labour

*Head out quietly and hope for the best

Lib Dems

*Show true resolve and oppose Brexit every step of the way… until the Tories tell us to behave and we fall in line

Image result for education

Education

Tories

*The state will provide one scratch card a year for graduates to solve post-university debt

*School geography lessons to limit the teaching of land mass from Land’s End to John o’ Groats

*A portrait of Headmistress May for every classroom

Labour

*EMA to be reintroduced and increased to become Extra MDMA Allowance

*The Internationale to replace morning hymns

*Sports classes to go at the pace of the slowest child for equality

Lib Dems

*RE to be reclassified as a non-joke subject, leaving only PSHE and Sports Science

*Restart Michael Gove's plan to send a bible to every school in the country

*Further research into how best to screw over students come the next coalition

Image result for uk airport border

Immigration

Tories

*Boot foreigners out, shut the door and lock it

Labour

*A one way easyJet to Spain to be offered to every Tory voter

Lib Dems

*Open the door and welcome... Europeans!

Health / NHS

Tories

*Van reading ‘In the hospital currently? Go home or face arrest’

*Every A&E to install Oyster card-style turnstiles

*Weekly game of musical chairs to determine hospital bed provision

Labour

*Bupa hospitals to be collectivised and dissenters liquidated

*Cuba to offer top class health assistance 

*Life or death medical decisions to be voted on by soviet

Lib Dems

*A new emphasis on prayer, homeopathy and a good night’s sleep

*Lembit Opik to tour hospitals under ‘laughter is the best medicine’ initiative

*Tim Farron’s grimace on cigarette packages to disgust smokers into quitting 

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