LET MR. FORTHRIGHT SORT OUT YOUR LIFE

Let Mr. Forthright Sort Out Your Life
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LET MR. FORTHRIGHT SORT OUT YOUR LIFE



Written by Dont Panic
02 Tuesday 02nd February 2016

In seeking advice, let's face it, your parents want you to do whatever's safest, your friends are happy to play devil's advocate and Yahoo Answers/spiritual guidance are usually too random to be sensible. So if you're looking for some sage, impartial lessons in life, I'd say you could do worse than check out MR. FORTHRIGHT (his caps, not mine).

Kicking off: it's been a heavy weekend and now you're hunched over a toilet pushing your melted liver out of your urethra. However, you went a bit too hard and your boss wants to know what's up...

HOW TO PASS A DRUG TEST

That drug test was the last straw; your boss is a shithead and you've mentally signed out of the office, but want to keep that money flowing and company toilet privileges. So how do you get by day-by-day, making yourself look so intently focussed that no-one questions your dedication?

HOW TO PRETEND TO WORK AT WORK

Congratulations, you've followed the advice so far and are slacking hard, goofing off and just plain negligent in the workplace! But with all that spare time, why not put it into something productive? Hell, wouldn't you like to be able to break whole bunches of pencils in half and become a testosterone crazed cause of a tribunal?

HOW TO GET RIPPED

You're hench, clean and a supreme dosser; it's time to move onto bigger things. Namely, geopolitical quandaries.

HOW TO STOP TERRORISTS

Let's finish off with a lesson in love.

HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND

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