Make A Watermelon Keg


Written by Robert Foster
07 Tuesday 07th May 2013

Without further ado:

You need these. I'm not what you'd call a 'DIY kind of guy', so I've no idea what they are or where to get them, but I'd imagine if you asked your dad or someone with calluses on their hands, they might be able to tell you.

You need to get a watermelon, they're in supermarkets. Pro tip: if you want people to come to your party, a good rule of thumb is to not wear brown cords, a gross manbag and a fucking goatee.

Once you're home, cut a hole in the watermelon, you know, like you did that time when you did that thing that your mother walked in and saw you doing and you never talk about?

Next, cut a small hole for the spout thing to go in. Again, if you're looking to have attendees at this soiree, the less you can look this guy -from the hair, to the menacing expression,  to the shirt that totally has a pitstain vibe- the better.

Line the spout hole with cling film to make it watertight, then insert on of the parts that your dad knows about, however he or the nice man at the DIY store told you to.

Do something else with another part. There's a drill bit in this picture, maybe you have to use that too?

It should look like this inside, I imagine when doctors are feeding you straight into your stomach, it looks like this. Gross!

Blend up all the watermelon flesh and add booze like that shit's going out of style. 

Agh! His girlfriend's got a cord skirt!!! Ewwwwwwwww.

See, no one came. I'm sure your party will go better than theirs if you steer clear of textiles composed of twisted fibers that, when woven, lie parallel to one another to form a distinct pattern.

Don't Panic attempt to credit photographers and content owners wherever possible, however due to the sheer size and nature of the internet this is sometimes impractical or impossible. If you see any images on our site which you believe belong to yourself or another and we have incorrectly used it please let us know at and we will respond asap.