NATION CELEBRATES AS 1 IN 12 GETS A SNAZZY NEW A* GRADE!

Nation celebrates as 1 in 12 gets a snazzy new A* grade!
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NATION CELEBRATES AS 1 IN 12 GETS A SNAZZY NEW A* GRADE!



Written by Johny Chhetri
19 Thursday 19th August 2010

So today, many of you A-level students, young and old (and older) should have received your results today with one in 12 of you getting an A*, well good for you. I’m sure all of you are going to be celebrating and one of you crazy sixth-formers is probably going to be naked on the streets of Soho/Staines later (roughly at 5am) with a needle in your ear for God knows what reason. But I hope you read this when you wake up the next day... this will save your life.

YOU’RE ALL DOOMED. Yes, that’s right, DOOMED. Why? Because of that succulent and tender-looking student loan that’s gonna have you bent over like a whore at the end of your course if you don’t spend it wisely and save properly, which you’re most likely, no, most definitely, not going to do. And with Mr. Cameron in office... do you reckon you’ll get a job that’ll help you pay it back? Thought not. You’re better off creating your own job! (which is not actually a bad idea)
 
The temptation to spend that money stupidly is too fucking strong, you could turn an Amish person into a Muslim extremist in a week for that much, depending on what you get (which is based on what you/your family earn). Good luck with turning your back on doing the wise thing though, because not spending that money stupidly is something that will ensure you have a shit time at uni because money actually does buy you happiness, well at least is like a fast-track ticket to it.
 
Ali is now a waste disopal trainee... probably (and yes his name really is Ali, that wasn't a bit of racism there)
 
Pending that you don’t have that type of money already, you should really not be throwing it away at uni just because you wanna go out every Friday night. I mean, remember you've gotta eat food that won't turn your penis grey and buy toilet paper for your arse - and you know you're always better off with expensive toilet paper, trust me on that one.
 
Anyway, we here at Don't Panic hope you got into your uni of choice and wish you the best of luck with paying off that debt... all of that fucking debt.
 
Have fun kids, and look out for our packs during freshers!

 

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