Parasitic Extraterrestrial Lifeform Invades London


Written by Aisha Nozari
06 Tuesday 06th August 2013

What I’m building up to here is the fact that last week Thames Water found a 15 tonne lump of rotting food and sanitary wipes in the drains beneath a road in Kingston, South West London. Pretty barfy, right?

The blockage was found through CCTV investigation after people reported that they were unable to flush their toilets and this bus-sized lump of old food and sanitary towels is reported to be the largest ever sewage deposit found in Britain - way to go, white middle class suburbia!

If the deposit hadn’t been discovered in time, apparently raw sewage would have been sent spurting from manholes across Kingston. #summer #hygiene #eathealthy 

Ok so I know this is all pretty terrible and depressing, but if there is one good thing to come out of this squidgy abomination – it’s got to be the following nickname given to the deposit by authorities. That’s right, they’ve dubbed the meaty period mess the ‘fatberg’. Life doesn’t really get much better than that does it? I mean that’s pretty special. The fucking ‘fatberg’. Can’t you just see it now in some weird 2016 science fiction flick directed by newly diverse Adam Sandler ‘So what exactly are we dealing with? It’s as we feared…a giant fucking fatberg. It gets worse - listen, John, I didn’t want to have to break this to you – but last night your son was annihilated by an unexpectated stream of shit that flew out the ground.’ Or something like that.

Anyway, Gordon Hailwood, a waste contracts supervisor for Thames Water had the following to say:

‘While we’ve removed greater volumes of fat from under central London in the past, we’ve never seen a single, congealed lump of lard this big clogging our sewers before. This is the biggest fatberg in British history.’

We are truly grim. I could only find one photo of said fatberg, so I've put together a little activity for everyone. Below are the sorts of stuff that come up when you type 'Kingston Upon Thames' into Google images. In light of this whole fatberg thing, why not imagine what these photographs would look like covered in shit?

(FYI this one here is Oceana, Kingston)

Don't Panic attempt to credit photographers and content owners wherever possible, however due to the sheer size and nature of the internet this is sometimes impractical or impossible. If you see any images on our site which you believe belong to yourself or another and we have incorrectly used it please let us know at and we will respond asap.