Pitbull Hostage Video X Seinfeld = GOLD


Written by Jack Blocker
12 Friday 12th July 2013


But what if we don't want to be millenial frauds who define ourselves through 90s nostalgia? With Jerry's technique in mind, let’s capitalise on the hilarious viral videos that our generation is known for. What if the individual qualities of Sweet Brown, dog-shaming and that dude who drank all the Ipecac were somehow polished, Seinfeld style, into a neat, era-defining punch-line? Now have a look at this video of a bad dog that just vomited on an African-American’s porch who then opines on race in America while said dog is humping something. 

In short, we have our punch-line for the Youtube generation. With some googled Seinfeld references as a comforting nod to the net's fave decade, I'll explain why. Go!

We Love Vomit

Bro gets Nerd/perma-virg to chug some Ipecac for $20. Srs defining broment in Youtube history.

There’s an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry claims he hasn’t vomited in 13 years – his 'non-vomit streak'. People hated vomit in the 90s. They wore polo necks to clubs and left when the DJ played Closing Time by Semisonic. We wear deep-vs to clubs and stumble out to puke when Chelsea Dagger gets too intense. Thanks to that deep-v, puking down your front is a wipe clean affair. We love vomit and we’re styled to accommodate it. Go into any Wetherspoon’s toilet/boardroom at UBS and you’ll probably hear something along the lines of ‘that was hands down the rowdiest baby shower I’ve been to, that Sangria made me vom for daaaays. My wife was so mad, but I reckon that’s the pregnancy. I thought you said 2g for £90?’ Or maybe, ‘hooked up with this cage-fighter at Vodka Revs last night, ended up going back to his and puking on his dick. Shit I gotta go, I’m keynote at the AGM’. When we see that dog’s puke on the porch we’re reminded of early YouTube hits like the ipecac guy, and we realise a spectacular clip is taking shape.

We Love Dogs

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Super-cute Dalmation after it done a shit on a rug. Aaaawww :')

If you see two life-forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?" – Seinfeld

The internet loves dogs. Whether they’re being adorably shamed for shitting somewhere, vomiting during sex (double points), or being shot to death by police, we just can’t get enough of their cheeky shenanigans! Despite this, I don’t think even Jerry would have foreseen how accurate the above bit would become. They're most certainly in charge, and in the case of the poor guys in the video, literally holding people hostage. But look at that dominant little pitbull, he's hornier than a lurker on /b/ and almost as offensive to minorities, he’d be funny to any generation. But it’s the reaction he provokes in our narrator that proves he’s totally Web 2.0 in his canine-comedy because…

We Love African-Americans Saying Things

Seinfeld didn't really role with too many black dudes, for whatever reason they probably wouldn't want to hang with Jerry at the Diner, or Kramer at The Laugh Factory. This era is way more progressive though. We see black people on the news reacting to serious incidents and make them into much more jokes auto-tuned jams. Gist of hostage vid: "this dog must be white because he doesn't fear the dog-police" and "I've gotta get to work". Hilarious. But that first quote raises a complex societal issue that America is yet to resolve. The second confirms that financial mobility is dependent on actual mobility. Maybe the pitbull is hindering the advancement of black people in America? He's like Governor Wallace back in 1960s Alabama. Or like Paula Deen with less shit round its dumb mouth. Or maybe like Kramer but funnier. Much like Charles Ramsey, the cameraman's humour and choice of words still manage to bring up issues about race and america, yet they're words that can easily be auto-tuned for some serious JKZ. 

We have vomit, we have dogs, and with African-American people saying things, we have the final stitch in the millenial tapestry of LOLs - meaning we are in the presence of the most perfectly constructed joke of our generation.

Check out my shit Twitter account @JackBlocker





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