Are you thinking about an exciting career as an embedded jihadist? Well, you NEED to read a new guide called 'How To Survive In The West,' which has reportedly been released by ISIS, because it will give you all the tips you need for spreading the caliphate to your own country.
We really hope this is real, because it's absolute gold. We've listed some choice quotes below (you can read the entire thing here).
First of all, the cover is thrilling:
"The leaders of disbelief repeatedly lie in the media and say that we Muslims are all terrorists, while we denied it and wanted to be peaceful citizens. But they have cornered us and forced us into becoming radicalised, and that will be the cause of their defeat and be the cause for the conquest of Rome."
This basically means: "To stop them calling us terrorists, we will kill them - with terrorism."
"I hope you benefit from this book. And there is no power or refuge except from Allah, so ask Him for it, because you’ll need it!"
F Scott Fitzgerald once said an exclamation mark is like laughing at your own joke, so the fact they rounded off the intro with a confident ! suggests there are still LOLs 2 b had at ISIS HQ.
"Remember some scholars say the beard (Arabic: Lihya) is the hair on the jaw lines and chin. Those scholars therefore do not consider the hair on the cheeks and neck to be the beard and therefore these can be removed. And Allah knows best."
Allah says, remove your neckbeard, m’mujahadeen
"A basic trick many people use on eBay is to sell someone an item like a phone, get paid and then send them a cookies (biscuit) packet through a recorded parcel delivery with a tracking number to prove it was delivered in the post. It's important to note that during this time period, if you ever got caught. Do NOT make it clear you were stealing to support an Islamic group."
Send Hobnobs instead of phones on eBay. Say it wasn’t for Allah if caught. Smart.
"Befriend good decent white people who are dissatisfied with their governments, be close to them and offer them support and guidance in life."
This was lifted word for word from the UKIP manifesto.
"Going to the gym and running in the Park is considered normal in the West. However, wearing army clothes, a backpack and weights does look abnormal. You have to Train like a normal person."
"Learning how to climb walls, and get off walls is also important. (search: Wikihow.com on the perfect ways to jump)."
Here is Wikihow's guide to jumping over walls: http://www.wikihow.com/Run-Up-and-Over-a-Wall
"If you want to know how to fight and defend yourself, the best fighting style to learn is Krav Maga."
Krav Maga is Israeli.
"You should buy Toy guns (Nerf guns), or Pellet guns or Paintball guns for Target practice. Maybe you can ask a child cousin, or a friend to buy them for you."
This is starting to make Four Lions look like a documentary.
"Playing games like Call of Duty gives you knowledge of Techniques used in warfare on different Terrains."
But remember, there are on re-spawn points IRL.
"Remember in Modern Jihad, you can claim responsibility for an attack by contacting News agencies (through; email, phone, social media etc). They will happily report it to spread the news first for popularity of their newspaper and you will claim responsibility to show you can attack deep in enemy territory and put fear into their hearts."
This is a depressingly accurate reflection of the modern news cycle, and perhaps the most profound point in the entire guide.
Finally, the greatest tip to ever grace any guide to global jihad:
Read the entire thing here.