Rejected Olympic Events


Written by Charlie Cole
31 Tuesday 31st July 2012

Ikea Furniture Building

There is more to this sport than meets the eye. It is not a simple competition of who can build a cabinet the quickest; oh no. This is a test of endurance, will-power and patience. Only those who can resist the temptation of ripping up the instructions and smashing the table into tiny pieces shall be victorious. Men and women train for years with their masters in the sprawling fields of Sweden to perfect the art of staying calm when doing DIY. Many lives have been lost in this rage-inducing sport.

Full Contact Scrabble

This is a competition of both brains and brawn. Alternating five minutes of full contact rugby with five minutes of nerve-racking scrabble, this could quite possibly be the most intense board sport known to man. Could you tackle a man to the ground and achieve a triple word score using the letter X? I thought not.

Facebook Stalking

As one of the most over-subscribed Faux-lympic sports around, strict measures have been put in place to weed out the weak. A highly focused daily regime is an absolute must. A contestant must have at least ten facebook friends to stalk at any given time and must commit at least four hours a day to the act. The stalking itself must be of the highest level. In the space of a week you must view every single photo, video and wall post that the victim owns. Thanks to Timeline, this sport has been made ludicrously easy.

Fencing (the art of building a fence)

There has been some doubt as to whether this is really a sport, but anyone who has ever seen the 204 competing Olympic nations all lined up whilst building white pickets will know the true thrill of competitive fencing.

Singles Instagramming

This is a highly dangerous sport. It is addictive and considered incredibly bad for your mental health. Extra referees have been put in place at every instagram event to prevent over exposure to social media interactions. Note to any future competitors: be careful when talking to fellow instagrammers, this sport tends to attract douches.

Doubles Instagramming

As above, but with more douches all squeezed into the same shot.

Menstrual Cycling

It goes without saying that this is a ladies only event. It mainly involves sitting down with hot water bottles and eating anything that contains refined sugars. Men should give the viewing stands a wide birth during this event as tempers will flare sporadically and insults may be thrown.


It was a meme. Now it is a sport. This competition is based not on how well you plank, but on the location you do it in and the object you do it on. And yes, that is Lil Wayne plaking on a McDonald's sign.

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