You know the score, Britain, we've got five more years of David's tyrannical rule. Now that a coalition is no longer there to temper his fury, expect Cameron's pudgy fingers to tighten their grip on the neck of our cowering nation, and his wrath to foam from his mouth like steam from a kettle, knowing he is free from the pressure of a third term.
But we are nothing if not a nation of optimists - just look at how often we refer to strangers as 'total cunts' or 'shit cunts', or how readily we tut-tut a screaming child, or the speed at which we look at our shoes when a racially motivated attack kicks off on public transport - so let's look on the bright side. Here are the reasons we should still be cheery.
Nigel Farage is unemployed
Farage in a lake for some reason
After a career spent sipping pints, smoking fags and invoking racial fear, Farage has taken yesterday's defeat as the moment to resign as leader of UKIP. Like many unemployed white men of his age, he can now spend his days sipping pints, smoking fags and invoking racial fear. But unlike most unemployed white men of his age, he won't have his benefits slashed because he appled to five jobs in one week, instead of six. Because he is a millionaire, so he won't need to sign-on at all.
Smushing your palms into your closed eyes and enjoying the colourful forms that materialise in the darkness...
Fukin sik 1 m8!!!
Is still a veritable way to pass the time - and free!
Like Irn-Bru and KFC, the SNP is adored by almost every Scot, and those Scots proved it by voting for the party in their droves. The country's political participation is admirable, and when the entire Union emulates their fervour and passion, things could look very different for Great Britain.
Although Scotland probably will have left us by then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
He's just great, isn't he?
Young Voters are the future
58% of 18-25 year olds voted in this election, up from 52% in the last election. We also wouldn't shut-up about it, if my Facebook feed is anything to go by. Although a devastating return of 'Likes' on my pals' anti-Cameron statii didn't keep him out of a job, it does suggest they actually voted. If the youth continue to become more and more politically engaged, the issues that affect them will eventually be addressed.
In the meantime, let's get fucking mortal!!!!..
Because Wetherspoon's is still the best thing ever!
Happy 60th Birthday to our founder and chairman Tim Martin.
Now that we're going to be subjected to five more years of austerity, welfare cuts and abysmal unemployment prospects, no one can turn their nose up at your Wednesday ritual of seven Tuborgs and a jug of Woo-Woos at 'Spoons. You're the embattled millenial, devoid of hope and addicted to drink - it's your job to get booted until DC starts creating some actual jobs for you.
It's VE Day
So spare a thought for those who gave their lives so things wouldn't be much, much worse.
Ok I'm fresh out of ideas.
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