Stop Mocking 50 Cent! He's Given Us Too Much Joy


Written by Jack Blocker
14 Tuesday 14th July 2015


I could better understand the quips had they been inspired by a sense of retribution. You can't blame a person for smirking after the death of Thatcher, or celebrating when Robin Thicke's album sold 12 copies. But mocking 50 Cent's misfortune? Come on. What musician has provided us with more joy over the years than the man who once compared his love for a woman to an obese child's love of cake? I'll tell you: There aren't any. So with this in mind, let's re-cap the pleasure we've derived from the career of Curtis Jackson

I Love You Like A Fat Kid Love Cake

Have you ever heard a truer distillation of the inexplicable feeling that fires through your being when you want to be with a person more than anything else. That urge that courses about you like blood. That's love. And it feels like a fat kid's love for cake.

He Made 'In Da Club'

'In Da Club' was released about 12 years ago. You stick that shit on now and it could reanimate a club full of Deep House husks. It could bring Terry Schiavo out of a depthless K-hole. Your mum thinks it's a banger and so do you.

"Are you illiterate nigga? You can't read between the lines"

That's a fairly savage par and I'm struggling to think of a better one tbqh. I think it was from 'Many Men.'

Get Rich Or Die Tryin' (the movie)

Asher D falls out of his wheelchair in GRODT

Get Rich Or Die Tryin', the film based on 50's life, starring 50, occupies the rare cinematic space between 'so bad it's good' and 'so bad it's bad.' I like to think it falls under the former category, because there are too many glaring flaws for me to ever consider it more than a stoner comedy. It's implausibly, terribly terrific. Curtis' acting is drier than a stack of tinder sticks, largely thanks to his inability to add any sort of inflection to his delivery. That's because he got shot in the jaw IRL, as well as in eight other places.

This is a fact the film goes to great lengths to stress, with the perpetrator expressing his disbelief at 50's survival by declaring, "that's impossible. I shot him, like, NINE TIMES?!?!?!" You'd definitely round up to ten.

So Solid's Asher D also plays a Jamaican in a wheelchair. 10/10

He Has His Own Brand Of Vitamin Water (and his own signature dildo)

Much of the shock surrounding 50 Cent's bankruptcy focuses on the vast wealth he accrued through wise investments. He was an early shareholder in Vitamin Water, the now ubiquitous sugary 'health' drink. The company even gave 50 his own flavour, and the whole endeavour reportedly netted him a cool $100 million. How his current debts reach that same figure is beyond me, but I can only imagine he gave power of attorney to some sort of white collar criminal.

If you really want to know more about his signature dildo, click here.

That Time He Hammed It Up With Meryl Streep

What joke brought about the joy stretched across their faces? Did 50 promise Meryl a signed copy of 'Ayo Techonology'?

That Time He Shovelled Snow Off Driveways For $100

It was the Christmas present we all wanted, but was only given to the lucky few.

I Know I Posted It Yesterday, But His Harry Potter Reading Challenge To Floyd Mayweather

He's the best.

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