Kickstarter has a graveyard of campaigns that raised a grand total of $0, because they were scuppered by ego, nonsensical pitches and - in some cases - the ability to incite a hate crime. Maybe they were set up and abandoned, perhaps their campaigners weren't as savvy in basic online marketing as they liked to think, or perhaps they were just truly terrible ideas that should never have left their brain.
Digital publisher Silvio Lorusso launched Kickended to expose the most tragic Kickstarter cases, based on the data from Kickspy.com. The website is similar Forgotify, the music service that logs the 4 million songs that have never been listened to on Spotify, or PetitTube, the video player that wants to get some views for those 0 counter vids out there.
Kickended aims to shed some light on what could be unfairly overlooked projects. Of course, like Forgotify and PetitTube, the main reason behind the lack of airplay is due to the fact they're pretty awful. Here are some of the best campaigns that never were, lest we forget:
1. Hail To The Groupies by Leland Steigs
ROAD TRIPPIN' vampires Gandhi transsexual Venus de Milo
Mother Teresa gay detective, Dirty Fairy cemetery Roswell MLK, Jr.
Goody Two Shoes Anita Bryant Fan Club an alien named Queer-O
friendship, as in . . . meaning of drama, trauma & sick hilarity !!!
HAIL TO THE GROUPIES
(sound like fun?)
Your contributions will primarily go toward paying for naked actors (mostly actresses!) in this cool, cool flick.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
Hail To The Groupies is non-pornographic. No depiction of actual sexual contact.
PLEASE NOTE: the Venus de Milo -- A KISS FROM HER if you support this movie!!!
P.S. In case you haven't gathered, Groupies is a comedy!
I don't really know what Leland is going for here. He's right, vampires, MLK and sick hilarity do sound like fun, but in what context I'm not sure. While I want to give him my money to support this non-pornographic but naked actress movie, it seems to me even the esteemed director doesn't really know what this film is about.
He very kindly offers a link to a trailer of his previous film to give you an idea of what kind of cinematic wunderkind we're dealing with. Based on the Windows Movie Maker aesthetic and jokes about people masturbating into kleenex's it DOES look like a must-watch. Had I known sooner I'd have probably slung him $1 to get my name in the film's credits. Hindsight's a bitch.
2. Skull Front to record album by Skull Front
we are not good looking so we felt saving you from the pain of seeing our faces in this video. you can thank us later. We will keep this short. You know the drill. Skull Front needs to raise $2,500 for their up coming c d Rubberneck, that's right Rubberneck. The funds will be used for production costs, engineering, artwork, design, CD duplication. Skull Front says, No suits allowed.
Skull Front will be laying tracks with R2X and P $ we will also be working with Paul Beck two time Latin, Grammy nominated and Latin M T V video of the year director.
Austin Texas summer 2012 will be ground zero for the explosive ground shaking sounds of Skull Front. Skull Front will put forth gold star sound. The wall of sound will blast forth causing mothers to hold their children.
Skull Front is not afraid of the future. We are All IN. Skull Front makes no apologies. Skull Front thanks you for your gracious support. Thank yo. We are watching, we are right there with you. Together we will soar to new heights. Rubberneck.
I like the cut of Skull Front's jib. No suits, no apologies, and a no bullshit approach to how they perceive themselves physically. The accompanying video has a thrusting, boozing cartoon character super-imposed onto a apocalyptic wasteland with the melt effect on full blast.
It's suitably freaky and as previously stated, a bullshit free zone. I don't know why the guys over at Skull Front failed, but I hope they don't think it's because they're not good looking. That seems to be a real issue with these fellas, and I don't want their inability to raise a single cent to lower their already crippled self esteem.
3. Looking to get the word out by Laura
Looking to get the word out on why liberals should never run the government. We must return our government to the people.
I recently published my first conservative political book called "You're Fired - Why Liberals should never run the government." The book details my top ten reasons why I think Liberals should never be in charge. I would like to have the book in stores by September just in time for the beginning of the election cycle. I need $1,000 to promote the book to do a press release campaign sending press releases along with a copy of the book to media outlets like newspapers, tv, and radio.
Poor Laura. I have to say though, for someone who has written a whole book on the subject of why liberals should never run the government, she doesn't pose the most readable argument for why we should buy it. If I didn't think liberals should be in government, I wouldn't need a book to vindicate my feelings. If I did think liberals should be in government, I think it would take more than 10 reasons from Laura to tell me otherwise. Or perhaps I'd like to be offered a sample reason why liberals shouldn't be in government. That may have enticed me to fund a written tirade against Barack Hussein Osama and his socialist comrades.
Laura's book cover.
4. H-Town Deliquents by Russell Rapp
Why Russell's campaign didn't succeed is beyond me, as he wrote out the whole plot in detail to his backers. Russell states that the story is true and autobiographical, telling a tale of a high school criminal turned high school graduate. Inspiring stuff. To gauge an idea of the kind of raw, gritty cinematic detailing we're dealing with, here are some excerpts from the promising pitch.
"Ken is buying weed from Sal. They want to smoke but they cant find a lighter or a bowl. So Ken, the one buying the weed eats 20 dollars worth in one sitting."
" The principle told him he will have to go to rehab since he was high during the prank."
"Kate walked in and started kissing Ken randomly on the mouth. This got Ken extremely horny and he started fantasizing about Kate every nite until they met at an A.A. meeting and she went down on Ken. Ken never told his girlfriend about this."
If that doesn't have you hooked, then I raise you the accompanying trailer for the film. It's weird how in every amateur film production I've ever seen, the editor goes nuts on the purple filter, despite the technique never being used in any film, ever. The trailer is deliberately ambiguous, despite the step by step play Russell gives us in the pitch. It features a mannequin's head with blood dripping out the hair and a boy, presumably "Ken", smashing up bulbs with a bat. Take my money, I've gotta see this film.
5. This Is Our Street by The Leeman Brothaz
Leeman Brothaz, a music group also known as 'Banksta Rappers', is a hip hop group that raps about financial issues. While there has been an uplifting surge of financial protest songs, Leeman Brothaz takes a satirical, over-the-top approach to bring comedy and satire, in an otherwise, very uptight and controversial topic.
Your pledge will help support our next music video production. Your contribution will help our music videos become a financial literacy medium for the average American, with the ultimate goal to help bring the American people closer towards the golden mean, in terms of our politics and ideology.
You know what's missing from the world? More parody rap songs. Move over Weird Al and The Lonely Island! Your time is up. The Leeman Brothaz have seen a gap in the stock market with their satirical approach to perils of financial derivatives and insider trading.
Jon La Joie? See ya, Normal Guy, the boys in suits are here to play. When I'm thinking about how to part with my money, I know there's no better recipient than a satirical rap group crowdfunding a music video hyping the 1%. One half of the Leeman Brothaz does state that they are not diminishing Wall Street's corruption, but they also suggest the public were partially to blame. They didn't make a penny, which is ironic considering the economic crisis is half their schtick. Watch their banger Greed Is Good below.