The Beatles Didn't Exist


Written by Dan Hampson
16 Sunday 16th October 2011

One of our instant favourites and one that proved completely bewildering, side splittingly funny and inherently beyond comprehension all at once is the ‘Time Cube’ theory, propagated by the fantastically monikered Gene Ray.  His website's opening paragraph greets readers in a fashion which initially seems shocking but actually seems rather understated when compared with the rest of the content.  A size 48 font screams “TimeCube Math Is Absolute Proof ….You Are Retarded.” His belief? The world is actually a cube, on which four simultaneous days occur at once, maybe? I think. Watch this video for an insight into what is clearly a pretty disturbed/enlightened (delete as applicable) mind.

While the topic of the earth's cosmo-geography is still open, allow me to further expand your mind. The earth is a cube? Pure fantasy. The earth, as those free thinkers of the dark ages knew, is flat. To paraphrase the arguments of the well respected International Flat Earth Research Society, the moon landings were a hoax (probably filmed by Stanley Kubrick) and the earth is in fact 'a flat disc centered at the North Pole and bounded along its southern edge by a wall of ice (Antarctica), with the sun and moon 3000 miles (4800 km) away and the "cosmos" 3100 miles (5000 km) above earth'. Which would obviously explain.. absolutely nothing.

You think the Beatles existed? I laugh at your naivety from my newly attained vantage point on the very peak of enlightenment.  Of course they didn’t! Or at least, not the happy-go-lucky, acid-prone, yellow submarine-favouring quartet that we usually associate with the notion of the ‘Beatles’. The reality, according to the definitive site, is that the Beatles line-up changed over time, encompassing multiple 'versions' of each ‘member’, as well as a few cyborgs for good measure. Be sure to check the forum when you embark upon your own quest for truth, my favourite thread being the one about the multiple noses of Paul Harrison entitled ‘Early-Era Beak-Nose Beatle Pauls’

While we're on the subject of the Beatles, it's probably time you learned the truth about who really killed (one of the) John Lennons. Those drones in the mass media would have you believe that Mark David Chapman shot Lennon on the 8th December 1980 and subsequently pleaded guilty to murder, but you would be a fool to believe what is clearly a complete fabrication. Of course, everyone knows that famous horror novelist Stephen King assassinated Lennon, clearly proven by these snippets from his writings and interviews.

Can you spot the cyborg?

A longterm stalwart of the conspiracy theory world and somewhat of a poster boy for the movement, former BBC journalist David Icke is so ludicrous his main purpose is to act as a sounding board against which levels of internet craziness are tested. His 'theories' are many but the unifying idea is that either the Illuminati or the Freemasons or a secret race of alien Reptilian overlords control the human race and that we are unknowingly living in a dream like state of unconsciousness, unaware of the fascist dictatorships we really live in. Which seems pretty reasonable to me.

Image taken from a David Icke book. No, seriously.

This is not a satire, but an actual illustration from David Icke's latest book. The original caption reads: "The 'Red Dress' bloodlines of the Illuminati that dominate royalty, politics, banking, business, and media. They obsessively interbreed to stop the software program being rewritten by the infusion of self-aware consciousness." We can only imagine that the red dress motif was borrowed from the Matrix after a few too many hits on the lizard bong.

The next one is definitely something to consider next time you’re haplessly making a purchase at a self checkout.  Ever get the feeling of being watched by a malevolent presence as you scan your items? Yeah, those eyes you can feel on your back are more than just the shop assistant watching you put Krispy Kremes through as plain doughnuts, it’s nothing other than the Prince of Darkness himself, the Beast, Satan, Devil, Lucifer.  That’s right, though I’m sure you’ve guessed it already, but according to this site barcodes contain the number of the beast, 666 and are paving the way for his re-appearance on earth, possibly in digital format or as a manager of a Tescos branch. 

Hopefully whenever he does choose to reappear, we can count on Jesus Christ being reincarnated (again) and coming from his resting place in Japan to rescue us all. What, you thought he died on the cross at Calvary? Guess again. In fact, his younger brother Isukiri took his place on the cross and Jesus mosied over to Shingō, Japan to live out his days a rice farmer.

I guess it's time to cue the Twilight Zone theme now..

Don't Panic attempt to credit photographers and content owners wherever possible, however due to the sheer size and nature of the internet this is sometimes impractical or impossible. If you see any images on our site which you believe belong to yourself or another and we have incorrectly used it please let us know at and we will respond asap.