The Brexit Exile List: 4 Public Figures To Kick Out For A Better Future


Written by Dont Panic
24 Monday 24th April 2017

On 23rd June 2016, patriotic, united British voters weighed up competing arguments, calmly walked to their polling places and decided to build a global, open minded country by leaving the the EU (if you were to believe the right wing press). By the same token, nearly a year ago, a divided electorate put their prejudices before their common sense following a campaign marked by violence and poor information (a common refrain from the 48%).

In any case, we're heading towards a hard Brexit and - if only to stay sane - we have to think of the positives; differently shaped fruit under UK law! Outmoded lights and measurements for the elderly! The finest trade deal Donald Trump can muster! A contentious point during the referendum campaign was the idea of 'taking back control', a claim directed at how the UK could spend its money and being in charge of its borders. Concerns have been raised about the rights of EU nationals to stay in the country and what shape - how many people, from which countries, for which purposes - future immigration will take. 

In a mood of lighthearted demagoguery, we've put together a list of people Britain should kick out to build a better future; thanks for taking back control Brexiteers, you've made our day! Let's start with...

Jeremy Clarkson

I hear your complaints- 'how can the country ditch such an integral figure? After losing Rick Parfitt and Ronnie Corbett, how will dads across the land cope?' These are important points; his clashes with the BBC resonate with any middle aged man who's written an angry letter to the local council. His diehard advocacy of bootcut jeans is a beacon of style and comfort to blokes who couldn't care about that fashion crap. His playful banter with Hammond and May is the standard which thousands of pub denizens aspire to.

Nonetheless, he expressed his support for a Remain vote and exposed himself as just anouther Out Of Touch London Liberal Media Elite. But where to cart him off to; friendly Thailand, the Land Of Smiles? Clarkson used the term 'slope' during a visit to the country in reference to an Asian man crossing a bridge. How about Mexico? Clarkson: the national food is 'sick with cheese on it' and the people 'lazy, feckless, flatulent, overweight.' Wherever he ends up, he'll be sure to reflect global Britain's social attitudes well.

J.K. Rowling

The British author must look back at 1997 with fondness; it was the year she released Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone and saw Tony Blair elected into power with a huge majority. It'd be pretty easy to draw a line between her own rags to riches success and the aspirational rhetoric espoused by the Labour leader; in 2017, Blair comes across as a relic of that time, defending his views and the kind of policies which have badly hit the country and the world. Rowling has similarly liberal ideas, donating £1 million to the Better Together campaign in Scotland and repeatedly speaking out against Jeremy Corbyn ever since he became Labour leader.

However, where she really falls down is utilising Harry Potter to spout her political viewpoints, stating that some Scottish nationalists were akin to Death Eaters and that the boy wizard would oppose the ongoing boycott, divest and sanctions campaign involving Israel. While she can do what she likes with her creation, her interventions in this way hamper the political discourse, adding a childish element which detracts from the importance of politics in our lives. It adds a superficial air to her arguments similar to Blair's glossy style; the result has been to weaken, or explose the gaping flaws, in centrist arguments in a politically tumultuous time. Time to jump on the broomstick to new pastures.

Laure Ferrari

A testament to the idea that love is blind (plus tolerant of clear xenophobia): Nigel Farage has been married twice, has four children, two apparent affairs and even got close to adult star Valerie Fox (there's a gross idea for a porn parody if I ever saw one - Hard Brexit XXX). One of Farage's alleged affairs is with Laure Ferrari, a French politician who met the former UKIP leader when she was a waitress in 2007. She runs a think tank called the Institute for Direct Democracy in Europe (IDDE), which was embroiled in scandal when the Electoral Commission accused it of donating £400,000 to UKIP ahead of the general election and EU referendum.

Why should Laure get the boot? Well, let me use a laboured comparison. In Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark, the treasure is the Ark of the Covenant, which the Nazis seek to give them a powerful weapon against their enemies. However, in the end - *spoiler* - the angels of death stored in the ark end up destroying all who observe its holy power. Basically, this is a very extreme example of being careful for what you wish for; Ferrari, by materially aiding UKIP and holding Eurosceptic views, threatens her own ability to stay in - and be safe in - the UK. Farage's German wife Kirsten could also be threatened by Brexit. But seeing as Farage considers a life beyond the UK, perhaps he and Laure will leave this mess - his marriage, Brexit - behind and start again. 

Another startling overlap: 

Jonathan Harmsworth, 4th Viscount Rothermere

Unlike bullish multimedia baron Rupert Murdoch and publicity-hungry news spiv Richard Desmond, Jonathan Harold Esmond Vere Harmsworth, 4th Viscount Rothermere, is a quieter but just as powerful businessman. Rothermere owns the Daily Mail and the Metro, the second and third biggest daily papers in Britain, and an enormously popular website with the Mail Online. He's not known for meddling in his publication's editorial lines, allowing Mail editor Paul Dacre to pursue a rabidly Leave agenda - even after then-prime minister David Cameron asked Rothermere to fire him. Despite leaving his editors to their devices, Rothermere is guilty of what Rowling has done - muddying the public discourse - but to a far more detrimental level. Stop Funding Hate details why the Mail is a crock of shit here.

In addition, for years Rothermere held non-domicile status which he inherited from his father, who has French origins. This has allowed him to dodge tax on his businesses - which are themselves arranged in complicated structures - on top of a net worth of $1.37 billion. So, next time he's abroad, let's just keep the door locked for him- perhaps it'll spur him on to cut down the bile he spreads with his publications.

Who've we forgotten? Have we been wrong? Disagree with the very idea of exile? Let us know...

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