The Far Right’s Guide to the Great British Summer


Written by Gabriel Mathews
30 Friday 30th June 2017

Wimbledon’s on its way and social media consists purely of photos of people at rooftop bars - all the hallmarks that the summer is well and truly upon us. But this year is different: it’s a Brexit summer. With the talks under way, we caught up with notorious member of the far-right, Billy “The Bulldog” Whiteman, to get his take on the great British summer. Here’s his guide on how you can enjoy the summer as Britishly as you physically can.


Rule Number 1: No Sun Cream, YOU MUG

cc: Metro

“I’m Billy Whiteman, and I laugh in the face of melanoma! Just as snitches get stitches, I’ve always said that anyone who puts on sun-tan lotion gets thrown in the fucking ocean! And I’m a man of my word, alright? Every time I go outside, I pour sunflower oil all down my head and face and lie down on some corrugated iron. Yes, I want to go brown - but not TOO brown. There’s a line...”


Rule Number 2: Have a Proper Barbecue, YOU MUG


“Do I look like some sort of poncy European? You can’t actually see me, but the answer is ‘no!’ When I have a fucking barbecue, I don’t have ‘sausages’ or ‘chicken’ like some sort of Frenchman. I have an unidentifiable hunk of meat from a good old-fashioned BRITISH butcher, or that I’ve found behind a good old-fashioned BRITISH shed. All lettuce is to be banned from entry at the door, even if it comes with the correct documents. Every bun round my house must be PACKED with gluten - I am completely intolerant of intolerances. And if I even catch sight of a ‘baguette’, then God help your soul.”


Rule Number 3: More Wasps,YOU MUG


“People say to me, ‘Bulldog, all these wasps are getting on my tits. Why don’t we just get rid of ‘em?’ And to them I say: ‘No!’ and then I rub wasps all over my arms and legs. Why? Because I love the pain! Plus, if we didn’t have so many wasps, then we’d have EVEN MORE immigrants - and that’s a fact! It says in the Koran, “Thou shalt not kill wasps” - and I should know because I’ve read it COVER TO COVER. TWICE. So if there were more wasps, then eventually all the immigrants would be overrun, and they’d have no choice but to leave our country for good! Keep Britain British - breed more wasps.”


Rule Number 4: Wear Shorts At All Times, YOU MUG

cc: Mirror

“I’m wearing ‘em right now! And I wear them every single day from May ‘til September. I bloody love shorts. At the pub - shorts! At the football - shorts! At a funeral - suit trousers out of respect, but subtly tailored into shorts! Britain is a free country, and in this country, there’s nothing freer than my shins. The breeze up my calves and the inside of my thighs - it makes me tingle. When I see all those pasty legs lined up outside the pub like the White Cliffs of Dover, it makes me proud to be British!”


Rule Number 5: No Fucking Festivals, YOU MUG 

cc: Thump

“You think you’d ever catch me rolling around in a field, dosed up to the eyeballs on ketamine and making sweet love to a beautiful stranger? Well, maybe. But you’d never catch me at a festival and that’s for sure! Camping in a tent? No thanks! Hanging out with a bunch of hippies? Don’t be a prick! Listening to music? Fuck right off! The only festival I’ll be attending this summer is the Horsham Anti-EU Morris Dancing and Foreigner-Baiting Fair. It’s a lovely day-out for the whole family and I never say no to a bit of morris dancing - truly the only time you’ll catch me dancing with a pole.”


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