The GOP Debates (Part 2)


Written by Jack Sharp
30 Monday 30th January 2012

I’ve seen the same response repeatedly wheeled out to defend the GOP candidates over the course of the debates: “Well, at least he/she isn’t as bad as Obama!” Which is fair, isn’t it? After all, Obama has inconsiderately tried to provide free healthcare to poor people. None of the GOP candidates have done anything nearly quite so unforgivable.

Sure, one of them may have cheated and then divorced his cancer stricken wife; another may seriously believe that sex between two men is comparable to bestiality. But let’s not split hairs here. Compared to president Obama, these men are practically saints.


Newt Gingrich

Newt Gingrich, who's currently being sued for his use of the song Eye of the Tiger, the theme song to Rocky III.

Take, for example, frontrunner Newt Gingrich, whose staunch love of family values is only topped by his intense lust to sleep with women who aren’t his wife. A family man through and through, Gingrich refuses to let something as trivial as his three overlapping marriages get in the way of his presidential campaign on morality.

Speaking of his infidelity, Gingrich told the Christian Broadcasting Network: "At times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country […] I worked too hard and things happened that were not appropriate."

A fair and gracious statement from Mr. Gingrich there. In fact, I must admit that my love for my country, on occasion, has burned so passionately that even I have briefly confused patriotism for an erection and subsequently ended up sleeping with a woman who wasn’t my wife. It happens.

So then, given his past mistakes, Mr. Gingrich surely wouldn’t be guilty of hypocrisy. It is true that he blasted former President Bill Clinton for having an affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky, during a time when Mr. Gingrich was regularly engaging in confused acts of sexual patriotism with a woman who wasn’t his wife.

However, the difference, Gingrich claims, is that Clinton lied under oath. Gingrich just lied to his wife (you know, the one with cancer). Fine. No problem. Clinton was despicable. Gingrich just had a boner for his country.

Gingrich vacantly bobs in celebration of recent polls.

You know, ever since laying eyes on Gingrich, I’ve always thought that he bares a remarkable resemblance to “Scarfy”, the seemingly jovial floating head bad guy from the Kirby video game franchise. I’ve come to realise that this actually acts as a surprisingly fitting metaphor for the man himself. See, much like Newt, Scarfy looks utterly harmless in his regular, calm state, but when provoked by an opponent, is instantaneously transformed into a grotesque ball of venomous rage.

Like Scarfy, one shouldn’t be fooled by Newt’s amusingly cuddly exterior, least of all if you’re his wife (and have cancer). He regularly proves himself to be quite ruthless. Despite having promised to run "clean campaign", Newt hasn’t shied away from unloading on his opponents, most notably multimillionaire Mitt Romney.

Republicans, by nature, “don't put people in classes”. Unlike those “progressives”, those liberal scumbags that want positive change and progress, as opposed to Stone Age regression and casual racial intolerance. No, Republicans don’t punish success. Except when said success is your all-American, multi-million dollar earning opponent. Then it’s fine to complain. It’s capitalism gone mad!

The above video was funded by Mr. Gingrich, who takes issue with Mitt’s anti-American bilingualism, despite being a French speaker himself.


Mitt Romney

Mitt, or Mittens as he likes to be known, isn’t without criticism, of course. It was recently revealed that he had paid just 15% tax on his enormous $45m income, a much lower rate than that of the average American. But you can’t hold his $56,986 per day income against him, surely?

It, undoubtedly, was a bold move to offer Rick Perry a $10K bet during a debate, given the current financial climate. Most politicians, like the privately educated millionaires who make up much of our government, are far more creative when it comes to concealing their inherent wealth.

But Romney seemingly doesn’t think that American voters with be dissuaded by the prospect of electing somebody who makes more money in a day than they probably make in an entire year. Nor does Newt, in fact, who recently announced that if elected president, he would build a base on the moon, colonise it and then make it an American state. Goodbye recession, hello moon!

Gingrich ruining the moon. Now everytime I look up at it, all I can picture is his pale, smug, ballooned face.


Rick Santorum

Camp Santorum raises over $4 million thanks to his self-initiated project CUM.

With his manufactured nice guy persona and muddy religious and patriotic sentiments, Mitt Romney hopes that this alone will win him votes. To some, it might seem like an odd way to win an election, but it’s one that candidate Rick Santorum will also be banking on, too.

I spoke of Mr. Santorum in my last article on the GOP debates, and of how his second name has become synonymous with lube and faecal matter. He’s another highly religious, self-proclaimed family man, father of seven children. He certainly is one of the most interesting candidates, a man whose positive character traits (although few) only further highlight his negative ones.

There’s an episode of The Simpsons in which Lisa tells an oblivious Mr. Burns that when he’s trying to be good, he’s somehow even more evil. This is largely Santorum’s problem, too. See, I genuinely believe that he thinks he’s being a nice guy when he encourages victims of rape to “make the best of a bad situation” or compares homosexuality to animal fucking.

During an interview with Piers Morgan, addressing accusations that his opinions on homosexuals were bigoted, Santorum said: “Do you believe that the Catholic Church is bigoted? To say that a church is bigoted because it holds that opinion of something that is biblically based, I think that in itself is an act of bigotry […] I don’t think right and wrong change based on different eras of time.”

In response to Santorum’s comments, you could argue that rather than being bigoted, the Catholic Church is simply somewhat unqualified to judge the morality of homosexuality, given its track record. You could also argue that right and wrong do in fact change based on different eras of time, as same-sex relationships in ancient Greece and Rome were once considered social institutions.

Or, like Santorum, you could just blindly and blissfully allow your political beliefs to be dictated by vague references in an archaic book, assuring yourself that your political beliefs are justified simply because they’re “biblically based”.

Why take away the message of peace and forgiveness when you can focus on your raging hatred of a minority group? I wonder, could Santorum, like countless other Republican homophobes before him, actually be gay? Seven kids!? Methinks the former governor doth protest too much.


Ron Paul

Ron Paul, the final candidate still in the GOP debate, has radically different views to Santorum on this issue, which is partly why he has little chance of becoming the Republican presidential candidate. He believes that federal government should stay out of people's personal business, and that gay marriage should be legal, if a state wishes to permit it. He feels the same about prostitution and drugs.

Needless to say, the likelihood of Paul receiving votes from far right conservatives is slim. This leaves Republicans with three choices: a serial adulterer, a multimillionaire or a homophobic weasel-like character with less charisma than a frothy cocktail of lube and faecal matter.

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