The London Mayoral Infection


Written by Suzie McCracken
29 Sunday 29th April 2012

Boris Johnson - Conservative

Why would you be anything less than confident in our incumbent mayor? He’s inspired teenagers to get inked with his likeness and he got elected pretty much exclusively off the back of a panel show appearance. He’s the political version of Dappy from N*Dubz, what with their shared Billingdon heritage and Camden bredrin. So I may be getting them slightly mixed up, but when I see either of them the slogan THIS IS A NOVELTY TOY NOT INTENDED FOR USE flashes across the inners of my eyelids. His accolades include a lifetime achievement award for having an awkward mouth and being a pro ditherer. If you’re a design fetishist and are willing to ignore the pricetag dangling from the back of the 'future buses' then go ahead and stick an X beside his name.

On his website you can even peruse an interactive ‘Boris Backers Map’ where politically savvy youngsters can upload a fun photo of themselves with a quotation about why they’re voting for de Pfeffel Johnson. This delectable bunch includes the insightful Matt Woods from Hackney who proudly proclaims “...he's a legend.” Richard Holloway from Westminster is just as poetic, describing the Conservative candidate as “the blond bombshell with a heart of gold and a mind of pure socratic genius” - not making him sound like a prostitute with a philosophy GCSE in the slightest.

Most hilarious policy? Nothing more hilarious than his hair. He's not evil incarnate, he's just a ridiculous man.

Carlos Cortiglia – BNP

Upset at the lack of a Monster Raving Loony Party candidate this year? Well here’s the next best thing when it comes to an utterly mad vote. Carlos is a Uruguayan national and known as Sir Box Checker by his fellow BNP members. I'm not saying he has anything to do with all the Nazi war criminals that fled to South America after the war, but I am saying that this bundle of irony couldn't be wrapped much neater. He was chosen for the candidacy due his remarkable story – he moved to the UK in 1989 and it’s only taken him just over 20 years to becomes the torchbearer for racist assholes in the capital of his adopted homeland. The BNP's Facebook page details some wonderful responses to Cortigilia's manifesto launch; please do spend the next few hours guffawing.

Cortigilia’s mini manifesto reads like a giant euphemism throwing up into the lap of anyone not Caucasian in the vicinity, underhandedly linking the “shocking looting and rioting last August” to multiculturalism. He proclaims that it leads to “division and confrontation instead of integration” – the kind of division that’s certainly not spearheaded by Cortiglia’s Question Time bothering, youth group rallying and Holocaust doubting mate Nick Griffin. Now we’ve got the steaming turd of Holocaust denial out in the open we can start to judge the BNP on Cortiglia’s pledges for London. Only kidding, that’s enough inches for him already.

Most hilarious policy? Uber populist "free weekend Tube and train travel" reeks of desperation and bull.

Lawrence Webb - UKIP

UKIP have employed the world's worst graphic designer for their website. But that's just a distraction from how rubbish this man is and how ridiculous the UKIP policies are. Seriously, the manifesto made my kidneys start to hurt. My favourite has to be "Priority for Londoners - whatever their ethnic origin - for jobs and housing, over migrants and asylum seekers". Brilliant lads, I especially enjoy your ethnic origin clause that shows everyone that there's no way that you could ever be thought of as racist. Except you can. And you are. Thank your lucky stars the BNP exists so you guys don't look like the most ridiculous people on the ballot. In addition, the above campaign video is shot so amateurishly that it wipes every bit of the vibrancy from it's Dalston backdrop before Webb launches into a transport speech that encourages everyone to strap those devilish eco-machines called 'bicycles' to the roof rack of your Range Rover. Is there a new, more violent version of face-palming yet?

Most hilarious policy? "Give landlords the power to decide if they want smoking rooms in pubs and clubs". Again, desperate. Just put on a short skirt and spike your own drink next time Webb.

Tempa T - Independent

public sculpture when pensioners 
can’t afford heating."

London grime-monger and, let's face it, absolute hero, Tempa T has managed to secure the support of Vice in his mayoral campaign. Unfortunately, the extent of the support hasn't stretched to paying to get his name on the ballot, so you can't actually vote for him. But as protest votes go, I thoroughly endorse Tempa T. He's more charismatic than Boris, sexier than Ken and has better hair than most people in the city, never mind out of the candidates. His manifesto has spanned many topics over his series of videos including animal welfare, transport, the economy, housing and the London riots, all delivered in his signature style. The mere fact that he admits that "Tempz doesn't have all the answers" is the most refreshing thing I've heard since this whole campaign palaver began. Hurrah for Tempa T!

Most hilarious policy? Tempa Trikes instead of Boris Bikes! It may be hilarious, but I am all for it.

For a more impartial helping hand as to who you should vote for, try the Vote Match questionnaire. 

decide if they want smoking 
rooms in pubs and clubs

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