Written by Karim Khan
07 Tuesday 07th October 2008

The Top Dog.Stanley Fink

Stanley is personally worth around £350m, earning £16m in one year from his former hedge fund, Man Investments, who manage assets of a mind-boggling £22.5bn for financial institutions and ‘high net worth individuals’. He built his own hotel in the French ski resort Courchevel because he wanted to have somewhere to relax beyond his own chalet — the hotel is next door. A keem philanthropist, he also feels that “the world is not serving the needs of affluent people properly.”

Judgement: Held at gunpoint. The Top Dog deserves no less than the most professional set-up.

The Belgian BomberPierre Lagrange
Pierre is valued at around £460m as one of the heads of GLG Partners, one of the few London edge funds that was floated on the stock market in New York last year. GLG Partners manage assets of around £9.25bn.

Judgement: A relative youngster at 46, The Bomber should be kidnapped to ransom, as he probably has a family and stuff.

The CaptainPhillip Richards
Their hedge fund RAB Capital is responsible for £9bn of assets. Philip was able to take a £7.4m bonus in 2006. The richest man in Britain, steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal entrusted Richards with investments, but the former army captain is falling on harder times at the moment after a string of bad decisions. Oh well, he’s still worth £60m.

Judgement: The Captain's spectacular fall from grace warrants an IRA-style mortar attack.

The Bleeding HeartChristopher Hohn
Perhaps the biggest hedge funder with a heart, Christopher’s estimated value is £110m. The Children’s Investment Fund that he founded (currently worth around £7bn) has donated around £700m to various charities over the years.

Judgement: Kidnap, possibly doused in duty-free alcohol with a Havana cigar wafted perilously close to his nose.

The GraduatePaul Ruddock
Seen here collecting an honourary award from Mansfield College, Oxford, Ruddock along with his business partner Steve Heinz, set up the hedge fund Lansdowne Partners in 2000, and had rather a large pay-day when it had a 19% stake bought by Morgan Stanley for $300m. The earned between £75-100m each last year. Ruddock is currently worth around £350m.

Judgement: A patron of the V&A, The Graduate should be fed rich oil paints until a brutal, yet colourful stomach hemorrhage.

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