The Sad World Of The Dan Bilzerian Fanboy


Written by Jack Blocker
12 Tuesday 12th August 2014

Blame the pressures of neoliberalism or the FOMO caused by Instagram, but there seems to be a toxic strain of competitiveness coursing through the overtly vascular veins of the modern male. Nowadays, a man is expected to spend his weekdays mercilessly clawing his way to the highest tax bracket and his weekends crusading through clubs on a ruthless vaginal land-grab. Anything short of this and he’s not worth the dick attached to his pelvis.

If he’d rather surround himself with people who care about him, pursue an emotionally fulfilling career or only put his penis inside one vagina, then he's basically a gelded phag who will never experience the success of several non-specific urinary tract infections or the thrill of a stranger in another continent ‘Liking’ a picture he snapped of his enormous bar tab. Beta!

With this modern Alpha super-male in mind, let’s consider internet-curio Dan Bilzerian, an Instagram superstar who recently resurfaced on my feed thanks to a snap of him with another Instagram superstar (Jen Selter? Me neither): 

Jen Selter has an enormous butt and more Instagram followers than Rihanna.

For those who don’t know, Dan is a professional poker player with a big beard. Even though such a description might conjure images of a fedora-tipping gentlesir blogging about Neil Degrasse Tyson or the dangers of botnet, Dan’s actually the complete opposite of a secular anti-poon wooing m’ladies with an expert knowledge of Naruto - although he does own a lot of custom weapons. 

Level 100 Bro: Achieved.

Dan’s made waves on social media thanks to his lavish lifestyle and rebellious spirit. His Instagram is full of attractive women who don't wear clothes and deadly weapons famous for laying waste to pre-schools full of toddlers. For the male who gauges his self-worth against the number in his bank account and the venereal diseases he’s contracted, Dan represents all that is man.

Dream big James!

And if a man measures another’s success by his ability to acquire currency, blow shit up, cum on things and demean women, then Dan is also the Instagram generation’s very own Genghis Khan.

Here's Dan str8 up doing him

For instance, when Dan picked up a pornstar and threw her off his roof like a plundering barbarian, he missed the pool he was aiming for. After the woman tried to sue him, Dan got his lawyer to tell that stupid bitch to jog on in a scathing letter. He posted the (definitely not fake) letter online, causing Bilzerian fanboys to collectively jizz at his display of hetero-dominance. Now that’s what you call handling business. When you live in a society where handling business is the only thing that matters, it’s no wonder so many men congratulated Dan for his reaction.

Obviously this is one of my favourite responses. Any woman foolish enough to step to Dan should be made to look stupid, because when you’re rich you deserve to do whatever you want without anyone questioning you - especially females. We fought wars for that shit. 

Like Dan, a lot of men want to be able to smash a woman’s hip onto hard concrete and then have a fake law firm shit all over her. Unlike Dan, most men don’t ever get the chance. What’s sad is that they think they’ll only be happy if it happens, what’s pathetic is when they bemoan the fact it never will - by commenting all over Dan’s facebook page like pleading charity cases: 



Of course, not all the fanboys just want to humiliate women. There are still some gentlemen out there, and what they really want to experience is the glowing affection of a harem of paid bombshells. Call me crazy, but if you were to do some research into people who’ve had a gaggle of hot women on the payroll for long periods of their life, I’d reckon you’d uncover a lot of boring fuckers: Hugh Hefner, Corey Feldman, Neil Strauss and Gwen Stefani to name but a few. But, like Dan, I very much doubt these fans consider this when they see the man surrounded by tits on a giant yacht. After all, who cares if a woman doesn’t like you when you can just pay a whole group of them to pretend they do?

LOL Dan u r so Dan! I love it!

I realise that most of these men are probably just tru-lads, enjoying the excesses of a totally bombastic figure. But I do think there’s something slightly more sinister about their constant declarations of jealousy and pleas for Dan to adopt them.

Some part of them must think that exorbitant wealth is the key to happiness and the only route to get nut-deep in a chick is to deal £100k hands on the felt. This means they’re not working as hard on their personality as a guy who knows this isn’t the case. They aren’t developing a sense of humour, conversational skills, the ability to hop off the autistic spectrum during a date, or any of the other qualities which have allowed poor, ugly dudes to get laid for the past few hundred years.

Instead, they’re playing online poker during lunch at their desk and keeping spreadsheets of girls they've fucked. They’re sacrificing self-esteem in pursuit of a higher wage. Rather than enjoying their own lives, they’re re-posting the same meme on every single Bilzerian post, as if they hope he’ll take pity on their own begrudging inadequacy and invite them to one of his boat parties. If they’re lucky enough to have a girlfriend, they sit and wonder if bros think less of them because they’re having meaningful sex on the reg, as opposed to pumping multiple guts in a comped suite during a weekend break in Vegas.

The recycled #memes of Dan Bilzerian fanboys.

I don't really have anything against Dan. Judging from interviews he's as happy as you'd expect of someone who's life is an endless cycle of meaningless sex, cocaine, gambling and the yes men that come with money. In fact, when you watch him speak, he isn’t even the boring fucker I’d mentioned earlier. Granted, he’s not exactly Errol Flynn, but he can tell a story and generally hold your intention. More importantly, he looks like he might actually be able to enjoy life if he wasn’t a millionaire. He has hobbies.

Unlike this fucking nerd:

Nice jokes bro!

Dan shoots guns, rock climbs, snowboards, wakeboards, hikes, works out. Granted, all these things require money, but it’s not as if they’re totally out of reach of someone with a passport and a couple of months’ savings. Meanwhile, the Bilzerian fan is spending his spare time blowing up two sex dolls, placing water-pistols in front of him and posing with a pile of coins in a hilarious attempt to mimic one of Dan’s Instagram pics.

Then other Dan fans are actually stealing the picture, re-posting it, re-sharing it, and leeching off the online banter of some cunt who’s only slightly less inert than them. These people aren’t developing emotionally or even trying to make their own life enjoyable. Until they realise there's more to your finite time on earth than Instagram likes and money, they're going to be miserable.

By living vicariously through an online playboy who, according to some accounts, gets most of his money from his dad, they're proving, without the tiniest doubt, that our generation is totally fucked.

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