THERESA: THE PROS AND CONS

Theresa: The Pros and Cons
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THERESA: THE PROS AND CONS



Written by Jake Moss
05 Monday 05th June 2017

 

Six weeks ago, it was all going perfectly to plan for Theresa May. Having publicly said she wouldn’t call a snap election, she did exactly that, catching out Labour and setting the Tories up for a landslide victory. But two terrorist attacks and a dementia tax later, the new ComRes poll has shown that Prime Minister May’s approval rating has hit -3; a drop of 12 points since February. Meanwhile, Comrade Corbyn’s rating has soared by +18 points to a dizzying -15!

 

But what is this ComRes poll? Some sort of biased socialist survey? Surely “ComRes” must stand for Communist Resistance? Well that’s where you’re wrong - they’re the winners of the 2010 Pollster of the Year Award no less! So while Corbyn has risen to the giddy heights of “semi-electable”, the British people’s opinions of Theresa May have sunk dramatically. Decision time is fast approaching, so if you’re still undecided whether she’s completely awful or just quite horrible, let’s take a look at Theresa’s pros and cons.

 

 

Con: She keeps on lying

 

With “Liar Liar”, Captain Ska’s tune attacking May reaching number four in the official charts, a general consensus seems clear - people are tired of her bullshit. In the wake of Saturday night’s London Bridge attacks, a former Senior Met Officer called her out for straight-up lying about the number of armed police officers on the street. She even lied about the election itself, stating she wouldn’t call a snap vote, before back-tracking completely. It makes you think, what hasn’t she lied about? Is she even married to Philip? Or is he just part of a very niche escort service specialising in quiet middle-aged men? These are the things you have to consider if you want to make an informed choice in this election.

 

Pro: She’s strong AND stable!

 

 

 

Go on, try and push her over! I dare you! Have you seen her patented wide-legged stance? Now that’s how a leader should stand! Now try and push over Jeremy Corbyn - it’s easy! Like taking candy from a baby! Or pushing over and old man!

 

Con: She runs away from questioning

 

Theresa seems to have a severe lack of metaphorical cajones. The fact she hasn’t turned up for debates, and has constantly sidestepped questions when she has bothered to show up, has left many people frustrated. It even prompted one audience-member at the Channel 4 debate to utter “bollocks” under his breath - that’s tantamount to a revolution in Britain! If a strongly worded letter was to follow, then she’d be in real trouble. And if it isn’t cowardice, then what is it? She’s too busy? Well, surely if you call an election, then it’s your duty to at least put in the effort to try and win it. Right, Theresa? Theresa? See, she didn’t even answer my question - point proven.

 

Pro: She wears nice shoes!

 

They’re great! Some of them even have cute tassels! Watch as she uses them to step on the desperate outstretched hands of the poor!

 

Con: She’s attacked the elderly

 

She’s managed to alienate her core support - the traditional Tory “grey vote” - by introducing a “dementia tax” on care for the elderly, as well as limiting the winter fuel allowance and removing triple lock pensions. Not only that, but she then performed yet another U-turn on the dementia tax, watering it down less than a month after the unpopular policy was announced. She also literally attacked the elderly, haranguing a defenseless old man from Islington, who was just trying to eat his lentil stew and allegedly support the IRA in peace. How could she be so cruel?

 

Pro: She’s actually a robot sent back in time to negotiate Brexit!

 

Pretty cool, right? Plus, one of her hands is a bottle opener! If that doesn’t convince you to vote for Theresa then nothing will, you dirty hippy!

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