Tim Farron Resigns: Who should take over to make the Lib Dems popular again?


Written by Jake Moss
15 Thursday 15th June 2017

The Lib Dems have been struggling ever since the Nick Clegg debacle of 2010, and now in a shock revelation, Tim Farron, local cool vicar and apparently the leader of the party has resigned. Vince Cable and Jo Swinson are the favourites to take over from Farron, but the chances are slim of either of them restoring the Lib Dems to their glory days of being comfortably the third most popular party in the country. They’re seen as ineffectual, boring fence-sitters, not strong enough to make any sort of impact - they need a major facelift, a new image, maybe even an entirely new frontbench team. So who could potentially take over and transform the Liberal Democrats into the centrist powerhouse we always knew they could be? Well, with this new-look Lib Dem shadow cabinet, the other parties wouldn’t stand a chance.



David Gandy - Party Leader and Shadow Minister for Seduction


The Lib Dems have struggled for many years and one of the major reasons for this is that the party just isn’t that sexy. Well, by appointing the world’s only male supermodel as their new leader and the Shadow Minister for Seduction, this would all change. Nick Clegg may have won over the grannies with his cheeky grin and his shameless lying, but with Gandy in charge, voters and even political opponents would be too busy swooning to think about policies or even to remember their own names. Gandy’s steely gaze disarms every man and woman alike, no matter their sexuality - how could the Tories push through an anti-austerity measure if they were lost in his eyes? A general election would be a cake-walk - if the hunk that is Ed Miliband almost managed to win with pure sex appeal alone, Gandy’s all set. Granted, he doesn’t know anything about politics, but he could just speak in soundbites - it seemed to work for Theresa May, so I’m sure it’ll be fine.




Bez - Deputy Leader and Shadow Minister for the Sesh


The former Happy Mondays maraca-player and drug enthusiast, whose melon was thoroughly twisted throughout the 90s, Bez is an all-time great sidekick and the perfect deputy for Gandy. He’s undoubtedly the man the Lib Dems need to revitalise their image, seeing as they’re just a bit, well, boring. Farron always looked as if he drank copious amounts of Robinsons Barley Water because he “liked the buzz”. Well, if Bez became deputy leader, a lack of fun is the one thing that wouldn’t be a problem - they’d have to be renamed the Lib’ral D’mocrats because Bez would take all the Es. Sure, he’d probably leave the Lib Dems completely ruined (in a bad way), but it couldn’t get much worse really, so who cares? If one thing’s for sure, Bez would turn the Liberal Democrat Party into the Liberal Democrat Partaaay, and who wouldn’t want to go to that autumn conference?



FKA Twigs - Shadow Minister for Being a Bit Cool


After Farron ended up being too wholesome an evangelical Christian to be comfortable with the very existence of gay sex, it’ll take a major upheaval to restore the perception of the Lib Dems as being in any way progressive. But FKA Twigs would certainly be a strong candidate to achieve this. The people of Dalston have long been crying out for Twigs to be given a ministerial parliamentary position, and with her trip-hop jams and laissez-faire approach to sexuality, she could really make the position of Shadow Minister for Being a Bit Cool her own. Plus, with the coolest person in her party currently being Sir Menzies Campbell, she probably shouldn’t struggle too much.




Conor McGregor - Chief Whip and Shadow Chancellor


The Lib Dems are seen as a bit of a soft touch, but they’d be ‘ard as nails with ultimate fighting champion Conor McGregor in their ranks. The no-nonsense Irishman is renowned for his top class trash-talking and extreme overconfidence, as well as having no qualms about punching and kicking his opponents until they stop moving. These are all attributes that would make him an excellent party whip - able to keep not just his own party in line, but all the other parties too. He’s also obsessed with money, so he’d make a more than adequate chancellor, able to build bridges and try to reach a compromise with Jeremy Corbyn. The luxuriantly dressed McGregor once said, “These custom-made suits aren’t cheap. This solid gold pocket watch - three people died making this watch.” So I’m sure Jezza and him would get on like a house on fire down at the allotment.


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