Toast, A Thousand Ways


Written by Jade French
30 Sunday 30th September 2012

The best bit about the Inflatable Toast Mattress is not the so much the concept or the ‘glamorous’ model they have procured to sell the product but rather the amazingly written copy which entices you in to buy.

“Breakfast in bed? No, breakfast IS the bed!” begins this masterclass in sales copy. It goes on to inform us that the Inflatable Toast Mattress is “likely to make you dream that you are a pad of butter... floating down a river of freshly brewed coffee”.

But hold on! This sneaky fella has learnt a lesson or two in lawsuit avoidance because the rug is pulled from our feet and a stern tone continues: “In reality, you should not use the Inflatable Toast Mattress as a floatation device, nor should you expose it to excessive heat”. The dream is over, guys. This is neither inflatable nor toast. “This piece of toast is made of plastic, not bread, so if you wake up and smell burning toast, you are probably just having a stroke”.

It’s a good job Mr. Copy-Writer is so good at his job, I might just shell out $169.95 now. For those pressed for cash there are other options with a mini-inflatable toast wow-ing consumers:

Metaphor Toast


Toast isn’t only a physical thing - it is also a phrase commonly used in films like Guy Ritchie might make starring Vinnie Jones. “You’re toast”. Hard-men everywhere turn to toast as their verbal weapon of choice - of course their actual weapon of choice varies between sawn-off shot guys, knuckledusters and head-butting.

Another type of G who knows how to get that toast metaphor in there is the one and only Notorious BIG. ‘Juicy’ is full of lyrical gems but the one that sticks out every time is when he hollas ‘Now hunnies play me close/ like butter play toast’. You know what that means? It means that Biggie be gettin’ some.

And of course sometimes a picture speaks a thousand words.

Toast Accessories

Every toast fan should show their appreciation for golden bread by wearing as much paraphernalia as humanly possible. From your back pocket to your head there are lots (three) ways to show your appreciation.

Toast Wallet

70s porno song? Check. Creepy kids impressed with product? Check. A wallet that's good enough to eat? Check! Keep your bread in a safe, buttery place and look cool at the same time with the Toast Wallet.


Obviously, there are an array of toast earrings which means every personality is catered for. You might be a banana and chocolate fan, a baked bean enthusiast or a egg and bread kinda gal - whichever way you might lean, you’re sure to find the toast feature for you.

Toast Hat

Some of us always have toast on the brain and now you can literally show off your thoughts with this stylish piece of headwear. Couple it with a serious expression with your eyes cast down so that everyone can tell how deep your love of both toast and style are. Even the celebs know that the toasty hat is a growing trend:

All in One Body Suit Toast (plate of toast optional)

Sometimes an accessory is too piecemeal a way of conveying how much you like to eat toast. Luckily there are a couple of dandy looking all in one body suits for those with a more extravagant fashion sense. Inspired by everyone's favourite Ren and Stimpy character 'Powdered Toast Man' these suits are haute couture at its finest, the structural shaping of the suit provides an optical illusion to give your silhouette added muscle and the big toast head brings out the colour of everyone’s eyes.

Sinister Toast

Toast isn’t all fun and games though- one can make a serious point through the medium of toast. Just ask artist Tibi Tibi whose toast series raised some serious questions about popular culture, historical despots and the nature of the artist and the book. From Hitler to Lassie, Tibi Tibi lets no character go un-toasted.

Finally... Imagine if you could toast these bad boys:

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