Tony Blair’s Top Tips for Jeremy Corbyn to Become Prime Minister


Written by Jake Moss
18 Tuesday 18th July 2017

Big bad war criminal and the world’s foremost Blairite, Tony Blair, has come forward and admitted for the first time that Jeremy Corbyn could become Prime Minister. Having been a high-profile critic of Mr Corbyn in the past, Blair has now backtracked on his claims that the only way to win an election is to “fight from the centre”, presumably now witnessing the success of Jezza’s tactic of “promising unfeasible things from the left”. Nonetheless, we caught up with Tony to find out what his top tips for Corbyn would be to help him reach Number 10.

Buddy Up With the American President

cc: RT

Tony Blair: “The Americans are our greatest allies and are a country we have a truly special relationship with. My main advice for Jeremy would be to get as close to the American president as possible. I was lucky enough to have the charming president George Bush Jr throughout most of my reign - a man of the utmost intelligence and a surprisingly gentle lover. Mr Corbyn, unfortunately, may have to deal with Donald Trump. I met Mr Trump on numerous occasions, and he was always loud and abrasive, slapping me on the back with his tiny childlike hands and, on one occasion, giving me a wet willy - completely unprovoked! Not once did he tell me that Cherie was in great shape, which I found very offensive at the time. I wouldn’t judge him for that now though, she’s really let herself go. But perhaps it’s for the best that she doesn’t get back in touch with her previous yoga instructor, Antoine, with whom I always suspected her relationship was more than pilates-based! And by that, I mean I caught them mid-coitus on the kitchen counter.”

Promise an Invasion

“In my experience, there’s no bigger popularity-winner than an illegal invasion. Killing all those people in Iraq really took my time in office from an A to an A+. I would advise Mr Corbyn to find a country involved in some sort of political turmoil and give it a good old fashioned invasion. Just march right in there and make yourself at home. I know that Jeremy is a pacifist, but I don’t think he understands that when you invade a country, you don’t actually have to do any of the fighting yourself - this was something I had failed to understand, and really was what stopped me invading any sooner. Many people ask me how I sleep at night - and the answer is on my back, with earplugs to block out the sounds of Cherie’s breathing. Occasionally I do have nightmares, but they tend to involve Antoine and his downward facing dog (also my nickname for Cherie, I often joke!).”

Become Some Sort of Messianic Saviour of the Youth

cc: i-D

“To be fair, it looks like Jeremy’s already got this strategy in the bag. God knows what nonsense he’s been promising - subsidised grime music for the poor and a £10 pay-as-you-go Vodafone voucher, or whatever rubbish it is. But let’s not forget, pledging policies that appeal to young people and then not backing them up was a signature move of mine - who did it first? Big Tony did it first. I mean, who remembers the Millennium Dome? Not me... What a load of wank that was.”

Stop Being Such a Big Bloody Socialist, Jeremy!

“This is one issue where Jeremy and I differ greatly - I’m not a dirty old Commie! As far as I see it, all people should be equal - but only if they’ve earned enough money to deserve equality. I love the British people, but a lot of them - and it pains me to say this - are uneducated fuckwits. I spent my whole time as prime minister strengthening our position in the single market, and now a bunch of (and I’m not being prejudiced here) anti-intellectual, racist, poor people from the north voted for Brexit. After all I gave this country, this is how I’m repaid? Oh just sod off, Terry from Wigan - go and read a book, you ignoramus!”

Bring Back the TV Show, Frasier

“If he wants any chance of becoming prime minister, I’d thoroughly implore Jeremy Corbyn to bring back Frasier. Not only was it an intelligent and highly amusing programme, but it also correlated with a huge surge in popularity for me. In fact, things started to go wrong for me as soon as Frasier went off the air. I’m not saying the two were directly related, but as soon as everyone’s favourite TV wit (Frasier Crane) disappeared from our screens, people suddenly started to turn on everyone’s favourite political wit (me). Sure, these incidents could be unrelated, but doesn’t it just seem like too much of a coincidence? How’s a British prime minister meant to remain popular, when those saps in Hollywood are making such rash decisions as cancelling a great TV show after 11 years at the very top of its game? It’s beyond a joke and potentially the main reason why I’m not still running the country today.”


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