Top 5 Freaks of Nature


Written by Kieron Monks
26 Tuesday 26th January 2010

Evolution is a funny mother, often dictating that her children grow up just plain wrong in all kinds of ways. Here we take a look at some of nature's B-sides, fuck ups and failed experiments. Some of these beasts are all natural, while others have had a helping hand from science. Thank you science! What they have in common is a wtf factor that is literally off the food-chain.


The blob fish community was hit hard by the tsunami of 2005 when vast quantities were flung ashore to the widespread disgust of already devastated communities. The blob belongs to the ‘fathead' family of fish, a group distinguished by their gelatinous bonces which provide essential buoyancy. Typically dwelling half a mile beneath the sea, the creature moves slowly and rarely, proving that what it lacks in aesthetics, it makes up for in sense. Feeding primarily on sea debris, the blob is easily pleased and an example to us all.

Cute from certain angles


A cult hero to many, this ferocious critter only came into public consciousness during the Iraq war, when it preyed on American soldiers. The poor things were cast as predators, feasting on the dead, while some suggested the spiders orchestrated the conflict for their own gain. Rumours of them running at 30km/h and poisoning people to death were sadly unfounded, but their legend remains. One US family were forced out of their home after a soldier unsuspectingly bought a camel spider home with him... which murdered a dog before scuttling off.


America's most wanted


The Lord moves in mysterious ways. A Chinese family were reportedly shocked to discover the birth of what can only be described as a hideous mistake. Blessed with a face to shatter a thousand mirrors, coupled with legs of unequal length that lead to monkey-style hopping, it quickly spread horro through the region. "It scares the family to even look at it," commented its disenchanted owner, who will nonetheless keep monkeypig out of sheer curiousity. Scientists call this an extreme case of Holoprosencephaly, while others have speculated monkey rapists are stalking pig pens the world over. But we weren't born yesterday and know for a fact that our very own University of Warwick has been conducting experiments that involve meshing the genes of pigs with primates. Whoever commissioned this research must surely be meshed with a blob fish as punishment.

Monkeypig on display


Epic. Also known as the robber crab for it's alleged tendency to steal shiny objects. Frankly if it wants your watch I'd hand it over sharpish. Yet this overlooks a gentle streak that often sees the crabs petted by children who make a sport of dislodging them from trees. They don't mind that much - they know it's only a bit of fun. Found all over the Pacific Islands, they are the largest invertebrates on earth with a leg span of over a metre. They are also impressive weightlifters, capable of lifting more than 30kg at a time. This strength gives them their name as they are renowned for cracking coconuts with their pincers. To watch the beast in action click here.

Remarkable stealth for such a large crab


In a massive fuck-you to the almighty, marine biologists have recently discovered a jellyfish that seems to be immortal. Better than that, its lifespan extends only to the height of sexual maturity (about 21 in human terms), before it restarts its jolly life cycle. So by the time they have to face the jellyfish equivalent of exams and taxation, they are reborn, fresh and new. Naturally the creature's numbers are swelling rapidly, from a small Caribbean stronghold they can now be found all over the world. Surely our top scientists must begin plundering them for the secret of eternal youth.

Is it God?

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