Voter Registration Deadline: Dispelling 6 Myths About Voting


Written by Jake Moss
22 Monday 22nd May 2017

Look at you, you sorry excuse for a democratic citizen. With the voter registration deadline fast approaching - it’s at midnight tonight - we’ve taken a look at all the excuses you’re probably making right now not to vote, you bloody reprobate. Here are all the myths about voting - watch as we dispel each of them one-by-one with a glorious flourish of our ballot paper.

"My vote doesn't matter!"

The classic argument is that if everyone thought like that, then no-one would ever vote and nothing would ever happen. Or that the sheer volume of non-voters is so great, that they would be able to completely change the result of an election were they to cast their vote. But really, you should just think about it like this: somewhere in the home counties lives a man called something like Barnaby Smethington-Horsefacé, and he WILL vote Tory - putting a cross on your ballot paper is the only thing short of GBH you can do to stop him. Although I’d suggest putting up fliers advertising a wet T-shirt contest between his cousins. That might just distract him for long enough.

"I'm too busy!"

Well, you’re reading this, so that’s clearly not a valid excuse.

"There aren't enough options!"

In this election more than any other in recent memory, the options are actually quite varied. In Jeremy Corbyn, you have a socialist man-of-the-people with a set of progressive yet divisive policies. In Theresa May, you have a safer option, but she’s less a woman-of-the-people and more a humanoid-of-the-1%. And then there’s Tim Farron, who no-one can dispute is, without the shadow of a doubt, a person.

"Voting has burned me out!"

Granted, it does now feel like the only reason we’re forced from our beds every morning is to fucking vote for something or rather. However, this shouldn’t detract from the fact that it’s still just as important now as it was the first time you strolled into the voting booth, when you were but a fresh-faced callow youth, untainted by the relentless grind of democracy. Surely we can’t really complain about being burned out by having to vote all the time? What are we annoyed about? Having too much democracy? It’s better than in a lot of countries, where “voter burnout” is what literally happens to you if you vote for the wrong person.

"I don't want to have to queue!"

This is Britain. If you don’t see a long, snaking queue and come over all a-quiver down below, then should you really even be voting in this election at all?

"I feel apathetic!"

AKA laziness. Elections are the one real chance we get to have our say, so you might as well just bloody vote. Come on, even anarchist deviant Russell Brand’s changed his tune now, so what’s your excuse? It takes five minutes to register - just five minutes! That’s the length of time it takes to eat a small burrito. Or complete a steamy session of high-grade love-making. Or, if you’re particularly skilled, do both at once (N.B. reader’s discretion: please only combine the two if you’ve received the adequate training).

Just ask yourself, will you be so apathetic when the policies of the winning candidate directly impact your life? But ultimately, I’ve said all I can to try and convince you - obviously, I can’t make you vote. But if you don’t vote and then you fucking moan about the result, I’ll be left with no choice but to paper-cut you with voting slips until you bleed out.

Now that’s democracy.

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