We're About To Be Hacked By Anonymous


Written by Jack Blocker
01 Saturday 01st June 2013

We know we’re the raging torrent in the big scary river of journalism, and so it was only a matter of time before our revered editor, Rob Foster, decided to tackle a subject that other publications were too pussy to confront: Anonymous, the online bully-boys intent on wreaking havoc on the press freedoms of mid-level online blogs the world over and also various right-wing organisations and/or autocracies, were due a serious dressing down.

In a move highly reminiscent of The Washington Post exposing the Watergate Scandal, Rob Foster bravely published an article last week that delivered a crushing blow to online thugs Anonymous: ‘you’re fat nerds’. A damning indictment indeed. Foster’s bravery was praised by editors and heads of state the world over:

“DAMN SON! ROB FOSTER FOR LIFE HOMIE” – Anna Wintour, shouting.

“Get at me G” – Michelle Obama

Unfortunately, the visionaries among us often pay a high price for their integrity, and the threats soon began to pour in:

We would be lying if we said that this didn’t scare us slightly - I mean the comment got 3 likes. Recent events had forewarned us that when Anonymous hacks a site, it can be out of the owner’s control for two, maybe even three hours. The implications of this would be dire. Our IT guy Gary works from home and only does so three days week. Getting hold of him would be an absolute mare. One time it took us like 20 minutes to catch him when the carousel thing on the front page stopped working. That shit was irritating as fuck.

Yet that comment proved to be all too prophetic, and soon this email dropped into our inbox:

Hey Rob,

Fuck you bro, we’re not nerds, you’re a nerd! PREPARE TO BE HACKED SON!!!11!!1



P.S. Shut-up

So we can only apologise in advance dear readers. Soon Don’t Panic will no longer be bringing you the type of stimulating, well-researched news that attracts global interest. In its place will be a bunch of stuff about Syria and V for Vendetta or some shit thanks to our new Anonymous overlords. We know that when Don't Panic is hacked it will probably be an annoying couple hours, but we will get through it. Let us assure you that it will only be a matter of time - perhaps an entire afternoon - before we return to bring you the most stimulating, thought-provoking, definitely not plagiarised journalism. We will beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

Also, shut-up you big fat nerds:

Don't hack me bro @JackBlocker

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