WHEN DON'T PANIC MET ALAN DUNCAN MP

When Don't Panic Met Alan Duncan MP
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WHEN DON'T PANIC MET ALAN DUNCAN MP



Written by Dont Panic
12 Tuesday 12th April 2016

Today we saw former Cabinet Minister Alan Duncan slate people that aren't rich as "low achievers" and that critics of David 'Dodgy Dave' Cameron's offshore tax scheme "hate anyone who has got a hint of wealth in them." His comments have provoked a firestorm of outrage, while the PM thanked Duncan for his "support." We're not fans of Duncan and have run into him in the past.

During the MPs expenses scandal, Duncan, the Conservative MP who was supposed to oversee the party's policy on expenses, claimed £127,658 under the second home allowance and almost £4000 on gardening expenses. Alan made his millions in the oil industry before he became an MP working for the decidedly unethical Vitol, a company that dealt with apartheid South Africa, did business with Serbian war criminals and was mixed up in the oil-for-food scandal. Alan also held a position at Arawak Energy, an exploration company owned by Vitol where he earned £35,000 for 20 days work a year. Plus, he must earn a fair bit for poncing about on Have I Got News For You.

All in all, the man's not short of a bob or two. Fearing that Alan might spend more taxpayer money, we went down to his home in Rutland and Melton to offer him a free hand with the gardening and to give him a fetching new pound sign garden feature. While there we made some disturbing discoveries... 

After Heydon watered the money tree and planted a pound sign shrub in ‎Duncan's garden, Sir Alan invited our man for a drink in Parliament.

During their chat, Duncan said that MPs were "treated like shit", "forced to live on rations" and - bizarrely - that Parliament had been "nationalised." Duncan doubted that anyone "who's done anything in the outside world" would ever become an MP- an idea he repeated in his latest Parliamentary rant. After we released the secret recording, Duncan was roundly criticised - even in his own party - and apologised, claiming that his remarks were in jest. Heydon hasn't heard back from him since...

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