Who Are The Myspace Loyalists?


Written by Jack Blocker
26 Wednesday 26th June 2013

Yet due to a confusing aberration in the human condition, tens – maybe even dozens - of people stayed at Tom’s party. Was it so they could listen to Panic! At The Disco while a phished Myspace profile planted a Trojan virus on their computer? Possibly. However, it’s more likely they hung around so they could continue to use the site’s dated blogging features, and re-read the exciting messages written in those heady years following 9/11. And because they possess a resilience and fear of change that only years spent writing Pete Wentz fan-fiction can reinforce.

Looking to regain some of the millions of users it lost, Myspace launched an overhauled version of the site last week, ditching ‘classic Myspace’ for good. Sadly, it failed to inform the few who remained that all of their photos, blogs and messages would be deleted. Needless to say, they quickly updated their statuses to 'pissed'. But they didn’t actually because it’s Myspace. But who are these people who spent 8 years squatting Myspace’s vacant edifice? Now that all of their precious information has vanished from the site, what deductions can we make about them using only the avatars and message board posts that hint of their former life online, and what do we think will happen to them? Who are the Myspace loyalists?

The irritable fifty-something bachelor who is probably into Asians

Picture the scene. It’s 2004. 110894208 sits at his desk in a sweltering office in an insufferable urban sprawl, like Phoenix. He hates his job, and that bitch ex-wife of his had to talk shit to the jury and now he can only see his kids 1 weekend a month. Then suddenly dingdingding an email drops into his inbox. It’s from the IT guy who once recommended him a divorce attorney, and the subject line simply reads ‘BRO’. It includes a link to Tila Tequila’s Myspace. 110894208 is smitten by this online siren. Now he totally gets asian culture. After all, he watched 20 minutes of Crouching Tiger and he eats PF Chiangs 4 times a week, and he knows Asian chicks understand respect - something these asshole colleagues and his ex-wife don’t give him. 110894208 humorously relays his fondness for Tequila to IT guy (’If she were a tequila she would hands down be Patron but asian’ etc). This scene replicates throughout the globe, until lecherous men the world over obsessively track Tila’s Myspace movements. They build catalogues of every picture and personal message her PR team sent to them.

These men stay on Myspace until the present day as a tribute to her, the girl who taught them to love themselves again. Yet now these memories have been wiped, and guys like 110894208 resort to posting rallying cries against Myspace on the message boards, pointing the way to a place no-one cares to visit. Like the people who hold the Golf Sale signs but on more Valium.

What next for the irritable fifty something?

There's not much to infer about 1108's future from his message board activity, as he's been posting the same contact details for Myspace on every thread. So lets just assume that he contacts the company himself. 1108 starts writing inflammatory letters to the site’s headquarters, and tweeting pictures of his balls to Justin Timberlake. Sadly, his decision to enclose a note with the words ‘I'm bringing Anthrax back’ on it soon lands him in legal trouble. He thinks ‘fuck it. I’ve already got priors, my kids don’t speak to me, may as well hit up Beverly Hills and rub dog-shit on the windows of Myspace HQ’. Predictably, security end up beating the shit out of him, and the ensuing conviction causes him to lose his job.

Interestingly, unemployment and a beating at the hands of a burly man aren’t the only things he has in common with Tila Tequila: these days, Tila is less about import racing cars and lipstick lesbians, more false-flag videos and the illuminati, and we can only assume that the 1108s of Myspace followed suit. It’s a sad thought that all of their recent Myspace posts about Bilderberg ‘13 are now lost forever.

The depressed-cum-sexually active emo

Guys like der_metzgermeister_666 were Myspace stalwarts, and everyone had a friend like him. His profile song was always Cute Without The 'e' and his favourite film was undoubtedly Requiem For a Dream. He may have loaned you this film and when you failed to return it, wrote a post decrying your friendship, effortlessly including a number of Taking Back Sunday lyrics in the passage. Although his posts had titles like 'torn apart by wolves', or similar shit, and detailed unbridled disdain for everyone, his sensitive soul and 22000 Myspace friends meant his teenage years were engulfed in a vortex of fingering unmatched by his peers. Unfortunately the interest in his musings waned, and not even his ability to play Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades on the guitar served as the blue-chip digit-aphrodisiac it once did. He became less emo, more pathologically depressed. His preservation was dependent on re-reading his posts even as fans began their exodus. He was once so talented and so sexually active. Now that these records are gone, his life is pretty much shite without the ‘e’.

What now for the depressed/sexually active emos?

Who knows what would have become of metzgermeister's blog posts had the company not ditched classic Myspace? Perhaps they could have collectively formed a modern incarnation of The Wasteland, expertly charting our current society's descent into a depraved mess of Facebook, Twitter and Maybach Music. Instead he wallows in total disarray, ranting on the message boards about the 'Myscrewed staff,' completely lost at sea. Like TS Eliot without Ezra Pound, From First To Last without Skrillex.

The amateur poets

We can sympathise with the poets of Myspace. If you're in a creative groove then there's no reason to become a slave to the global currency of re-tweets and Facebook Likes, especially if middle aged bachelors and emo kids are giving you props. However, without wanting to get too post-grad on mostthoughtfulbunny, there's really no excuse for not backing up the poems you claim to care for so much. 

What now for the amateur poets?

Despite Myspace's actions, mostthoughtfulbunny knows that she, like every other poet, is ultimately accountable for the loss of her work. If an artist is expected to treat their art in the same way they would their child, then this chick is Casey Anthony. But unlike Casey, no one will give a shit about mostthoughfulbunny's Myspace profile, whether they bring back blogging or not.

After the new Myspace was revealed someone wrote a 'press release' detailing the 'digital genocide' Myspace had inflicted on their loyal users. Genocide? Fuck me. Lord knows what they must think of Snapchat's daily killing spree. But this innocence is to be admired: They seemed to live in a Thoreauvian idyll for the digital age, content in a wilderness of over-wrought verse and primitive pleasures like poetry, photobucket embed codes and Kate Nash.

If only we could still approach social media with such a solitary focus. Nowadays we're re-tweeting terrorists as if we're genuinely exposing them, and collectively scouring for any online indiscretion like some sort of Deep Throat flash-mob. If we were still on Myspace we'd probably stick a sad Dashboard Confessional song on our profiles when anything bad happened and be done with it. While we fret over NSA surveillance and being fired over some Kos '09 photo album, the Myspace loyalists are only worried about losing a few selfies and a rad Enter-Shikari mix from ‘06. Here's to them getting all of their memories back, and keeping the zenith of mid-2000s creativity alive.

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