Worst Christmas Toys


Written by Barney Cox
17 Monday 17th December 2012


The Oozinator

This toy gun, manufactured by Hasbro Ltd. and a member of the Super Soaker family, looks harmless enough at first glance. That is until you watch the advert for it. There are no words, so we’ll let the video talk for itself. If that wasn’t wrong enough for you, it also inspired the most disturbing .gif we have ever seen. Don't say we didn't warn you.


Elmo’s TickleHands

We don’t know how they did it, but Fischer-Price turned everybody’s favourite Sesame Street character into something really rather sinister when they launched these peculiar mittens. Just read Fischer-Price’s marketing spiel: “when they touch a surface to tickle, the hands vibrate and kids will hear fun phrases from Elmo and of course, his signature giggle”. To top it all off, Elmo's puppeteer, Kevin Clash, resigned recently over child molestation accusations. Does it get any creepier than that? We’ll never look at Elmo the same way again.


Teen Talk Barbie

Barbie’s creators Mattel have often been criticised for reinforcing negative and out-dated images of women, but they hit a new low with the release of ‘TeenTalk’ Barbie. When a cord was pulled at the back, this Barbie would parrot lines such as “Will we ever have enough clothes?” and “Maths class is tough!” The toy was heavily criticised when it hit the shelves, even falling victim to a well-observed parody on The Simpsons, and Mattel eventually recalled it.


Mr Bucket

Can you think of a less-inspiring name that ‘Mr Bucket’? We feel for the people tasked with advertising this particular product, we really do, but that’s no excuse to pen such an inappropriate jingle for it. Mr Bucket sings jovially “I’m Mr Bucket, toss your balls in my top”. We don’t know about you but we’d run for the nearest exit if this weirdo flew in through our window demanding that we present him with our balls.


Harem Girl Costume

This Christmas, what could be more adorable than dressing your child as a concubine/dancing girl/prostitute? If you’re seriously considering buying this outfit for your daughter, you may as well just call it quits and turn yourself in to the NSPCC.


The ‘Toys’ of Zbigniew Libera

These really rather convincing toys are the work of Polish artist Zbigniew Libera. Whilst, of course, they’ve never been sold as children’s toys, just imagine if they were. Would there be a more disconcerting sight than watching your beloved darlings shave a freakishly hirsute baby doll? Perhaps constructing Auschwitz out of Lego would be a bit more unsettling, but don’t worry, Libera’s got that covered too.

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