Worst Rock Merch


Written by Yusuf Laher
16 Monday 16th May 2011

You know band merchandising's gone a bit far when you can order a KISS coffin. I'm not talking about the cool stuff, like collectible action figures, metal lunchboxes and guitar picks. Or making any kind of moral judgements (except when it comes to John Lennon). No... I'm talking about the pasta sauces, baby-grows, perfumes and inflatable beach balls. The ridiculous band merch so shamefully over the top, you wonder who even buys the stuff. That said, legendary Pantera guitarist Dimebag Darrell was buried in KISS Kasket. But did he play with a Gene Simmons rubber duckie in the bath? God, I hope not...

If you wanna rock 'n roll all night and party every bath time, the Gene Simmons rubber duck is the answer. KISS are the undeniable kings of weird merchandising. And if you're not laughing hysterically (or just turning your nose up in disgust), you can order one from Celebriducks for $11.99. I wonder if KISS have made more money selling merch or music.

When it comes to crazy rock merchandising, New Jersey punk band Misfits are hot on KISS' shiny platformed heels. How punk rock are these Draven Misfits Nightmare slippers? Perfect for a Sunday night in front of the tube. What I want to know is, seeing as how Jerry Only's the last original band member left (although he wasn't technically the band's first bassist), who does all the money go to? 

Now this one's pretty mind-blowing: Sex Pistols perfume! According to French scent-smiths Etat Libre d'Orange, “Resisting tradition, fighting conformity and disregarding aromatic conventions it leaves a fresh, restless bite of lemon, sharpened and intensified by a defiant black pepper. Electrified by aldehydes, the fragrance exudes pure energy, pared down and pumped up by leather, shot through with heliotrope and brought back down to earth by a raunchy patchouli”. Shit... I thought the spirit of punk smelled like sweat, piss and heroin.

Can you picture Motörhead frontman Lemmy Kilmister in a pair of baggy shorts, kicking a beach ball around while drummer Mikkey Dee and guitarist Phil Campbell build sand castles and eye out the waves? I'll bet Lemmy's feet have never even touched sand. Still, if you want a Motörhead beach ball this summer, they're $9.99 from the official Motörhead webstore. Weird...

This one makes me laugh. Bless him. Marky Ramone, just trying to make ends meet without Dee Dee, Johnny and Joey. Following in the footsteps of Paul Newman, Marky launched his own brand of pasta sauce in 2010. You can order a case "from the kitchen of Marky Ramone" from markyramone.com. Just have a look at the trailer...

There's a lot of God awful Bob Marley merchandise out there, from incense sticks to rolling papers. But with rolling papers, I get it. I can see the connection. Marley's Mellow Mood Ice Tea, on the other hand, crosses the ridiculous threshold. The drinks are made by the Marley Beverage Company and come in a variety of fruity flavours: Green Tea With Honey, Berry, Black Tea and Citrus. "Calm your soul, ease your mind", says the web site. Yeah, and line our opportunistic pockets.

Now this is where it gets messy. Forget Ben & Jerry's John Lennon 'Imagine Whirled Peace' flavoured ice cream and turn your attention to Mont Blanc's John Lennon fountain pen. If you want one, it'll set you back up to £585. And that's just for a regular one, not the Limited Edition 70 version pictured above (released to commemorate John Lennon's 70th birthday). Is it just me, or does this cross over into the morally dubious side of the whole merchandising equation? I mean, do you really think John Lennon would have okayed this endorsement if he was still alive? And what about the Citroën DS3?

Lastly, no story on weird rock merchandising would be complete without mentioning German industrial outfit Rammstein's 2009 Liebe ist für alle da limited edition box-set, that includes six dildos, a pair of handcuffs and some lube. Now that's (tight) fitting...

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  • Guest: erozen
    Fri 17 - Jun - 2011, 21:58
    Don't forget Metallica monopoly: http://www.metallica.com/products/monopoly-metallica-edition.asp
  • panicowen
    Mon 16 - May - 2011, 17:31
    Surely the Rammstein dildos should feature in BEST rock merch ever?!