Pointless Music Apps


22 Monday 22nd November 2010

There's a fucking app for everything isn't there? All those geeky tech people you see cowering away from sunlight in a corner of Starbucks, hunched over their Apple Macs, have been overcome with a desire to make a program to add to the pile of thousands that are already clogging up space in the iTunes store. God knows how, or why, they come up with these ideas and decide to market it at £1.99. The amount of rubbish you can find, you don't even know what to ask first: what, how, why, and even who the fuck? We've picked a few of the most pointless music apps out there for you to gawk at and cry about.

Ooh, when you touch the screen you hear an artificial noise and a little circle appears on the screen. That's so trippy. Honestly it's so hypnotising, no-one's ever combined sight and sound before, it's so hypnotic and soul-touching. Excuse me while I have a little cry. Bloom is one of squillions of apps where you can make your own 'music'. It takes you back to the days of monophonic mobile phones where you could make your own ringtone by tapping the, barely pitched differently, phone keys. There was never a real melody to be heard as a result of that little add-on, and these apps are no different. You buy it, tap around for five minutes looking at the pretty colours and listening to the strange sounds, then delete it a month later after realising you've never used it.
Pocket Shaker


Maraca? No? But it's so useful. Countless times a day people pat themselves down, muttering, 'where did I put that percussive instrument?' I see it on the train, that look in people's eyes when they realise, my god, I left my cabasa at home! The boss is gonna kill me! Never fear, pocket shaker is here to help you out at these times of desperation. What the hell were the makers thinking when they created this? Somewhere out there is a small-time band that'll forget their cowbell at their make-it or break-it gig at Cafe 1001. But it won't matter, the day will be saved with this app and they'll sign a massive record deal with the big-shot who was standing at the back. Maybe they'll make a movie about it, Keanu Reeves is playing me bagsy!


Essentially photos of gigs. 'Music that looks as good as it sounds.' That's just pretentious. What do we need photos of gigs for? We either want to be at the gig ourselves, or at least watch a video of it. What's the point of looking at a few snaps? It's that sound we want. At least give a little explanation with it.
Little Boots Reactive Remixer
Yes, it is what it says on the tin. This is a bit like the Bloom app, except you have three Little Boots songs to play around with as a basis. As if Little Boots isn't annoying enough already without some 15-year-old twatting about on their iPod Touch with one of her songs. Absolutely pointless.
Admitedly, there are some genuinely useful apps. Flixter is useful, Urbanspoon is useful, alarm clocks are useful. Apps that make our lives easier aren't a problem. It's these strange, difficult to use, completely random apps that are so infuriating. It's even worse because there are so many ideas for apps that haven't been done yet. Find my phone when it's on silent, there should be an app for that. What would this person look like naked? There should be an app for that. KILL THAT BITCH. There should be an app for that.


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  • Guest: wherethehellismyprozac
    Tue 23 - Nov - 2010, 23:52
    But there is an app for that! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhkxDIr0y2U