Texts from Last Night


25 Monday 25th October 2010

We truly are the intoxicated generation. When someone tells you ‘life is short’, you can be pretty sure it only seems short to them because half their memories have been misplaced in a drunken stupor. Some do it for confidence, some to forget, and most just because it’s so damn fun. Alcohol results in stories. Fact.
The best times, the times we’ll smile cheekily about at the dinner table and then have to make up a story to tell our hawk-eyed parents, are the times when something really, really bad happens. It’s great when it happens to a friend, even better when it happens to someone we don’t like, we just hope the bad thing doesn’t happen to us.
Inevitably, though, our time always comes. Oh just one more spliff, do you know what would go well with this beer? Tequila. I can totally handle drinking wine with vodka in it, tastes nice, leave me alone. These are the mantras we chant before slipping into a state where stupid ideas seem like brilliant plans. Then in the morning, with Nurofen in hand and dignity in the bin, you pay the price for not realising you should have stopped after the 23rd Jagerbomb. Your mates show you their phone and you realise that there’s recorded evidence of your bizarre mental state from the night before:
“I just drunk made-out with my mom. It’s going to be an awkward breakfast.”
“I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me on the chin.”
“Do you think fat gay guys titty fuck?”
“I found out the hard way she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.”
“AAARRRGGHH!! yOUR mum gave me SOO MCUUh wine!”
Bringing back any embarrassment you tried to lock deep down inside? These are all real texts found the morning after ‘that night’. Textsfromlastnight.com is a website for people to anonymously share their antics with the world. There are also plenty of examples of ashamed morning-after messages:
“He pointed at my clit with a confused face and asked ‘What’s this thingy??’”
“We were spooning naked with her ass in my crotch. She sharted in her sleep all over my dick.”
Beautiful. That is exactly the kind of thing the world needs to know, life thrives on this kind of information. Texts From Last Night are bringing out a mini-book out, the kind you find by the till at HMV. It’s packed full of gems like the examples above, a compilation of the best and worst experiences of all time. Slip it in your pocket, and when you feel like you have too much faith in humanity whip it out and return to normal.

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